My First Kiss

12. The Loneliness & The Company

*Noel* 

Panic attacks were such an obscure implementation into the human condition -- they always have been. For our mentalities to be able to take complete control of our beings and cause us to feel barricaded by our own identities was, in some ways, a protruding pain within human existence. Yet, in some way or another, this pain graces everyone, as it had done to Noel many- a-times. Part of the dazzling fame and the demanding attention that Noel regularly dealt with had, in the early days, often bought out this monster that was panic, and flooded him. As the celebrity lifestyle became closer to becoming 'regular', Noel had somewhat been able to manage those attacks. Yet the seizing nature of these attacks was something he could never forget or escape, as even still, the pain of panic crept up on him. 

He felt the pain in Mandy's voice when he'd answered the phone that night, and the sound of her voice cracking felt like lashes against his own skin. His throat dried up almost instantly as he heard her crying on the other end of the line. As they headed back towards his hotel, Noel gestured for Lockhart to stay silent. 

"Hey, hey, what's wrong, Brownie? I'm here for you." He said soothingly, yearning to tell her that whilst holding her in his arms rather than on a telephone miles apart. 

"It's going to sound stupid --" she started hesitantly, but he quickly interjected. 

"No, it won't."

"Have you ever just felt completely alone even though you were with people all day? Just realised that all the people around you aren't  the people you love and care about? Or that there are just so few people that you genuinely care about? That worries me, that worries me so much. I don't know, I just," she sobbed, and Noel's face darkened. Her pain felt too close to home. The limo he was in pulled up at his hotel and he quickly got out of it. With a worried look on his face, Lockhart started to follow him, but Noel stopped him. 

"I'll see you tomorrow, mate." he quickly whispered to him, pulling the phone away from his ear, before sending the car away. He wanted to talk to her earnestly that night, in the privacy f his own room. 

"Believe it or not, I completely understand." He admitted, his heart heavy with pain. She sniffled on the other end of the line, then sighed as though to calm herself. 

"My roommate just found out she's pregnant and she doesn't know who the father is, and her anxiety just gave me anxiety and I love her so much and seeing her crumble just made me, i don't know, feel weaker than usual. I mean, she's the strong one out of the two of us, and seeing her so vulnerable just made me realise that right now, she's all I have. I have to be there for her. And I haven't seen my own family in so long, I barely speak to them these day -- I guess I've just gotten busy. And my brother has kids of his own, my nieces and nephews, and they've probably grown up so much since I last saw them too." her words were spoken so fast, they almost stumbled over one another. Noel took of his suit jacket as he silently listened, letting her speak as he got comfortable on his bed. When she finished, there was a silence between them that he let hang for a moment as a question rumbled within him, though he was too scared to ask it.

"Brownie, why do you think you're weak?" He precariously dared to ask, and heard a little whimper emanate from her at the other end of the call. 

"I am -- I  feel like I try too hard at everything because that's the only way to maintain a sense of order in my world. When I'm upset, it's my roommate, Cassidy, that cheers me up. To this day, I still have panic attacks, even though I'm a grown 24 year old woman." There was sense of exasperation in her tone that confused Noel as he slipped out of his formal wear and put on some night clothes. 

"So? I am a 25 year old man who still has panic attacks -- I had one last week whilst I was writing some music because I wasn't even sure music was still my thing. And I had already made one internationally successful album, yet to this day I wonder if I'm ever going to be good enough!" he admitted, a tone of mockery in his words as he spoke of himself.