By your side. -- TROYLER / INCOMPLETE

Troye's Family.

-- Tyler's POV --

The first month was worse than bad. But I had to do it for him.

I’m not saying I enjoyed any second of it… and it was going to be like this for a long time.

    I felt worse for him though.

Of course I’d seen him naked. But this… This was just wrong. The showers; they were cringe-worthy. I wouldn’t do that though. I just tried to not let tears blend in with the shower water.

    I had never once taken a shower with him before he got sick. My part wasn’t even that bad. Yes, it was very hard for me to do what I was doing.

    But not even close to as horrible as watching him go through it. This wasn’t even taking a shower together. I was fully-clothed the whole time. I didn’t want him to feel even more awkward with me naked in the shower with him while… helping him.

    Oh, god. It was awful.

Having to convince you to eat and taking out 9 to 10 pills for you to take every single day was not okay.

   

    Now it’s the first day of the second month. Troye’s family is flying from Perth to come visit in about two weeks. He talked to at least one of them every single day. He’s such a great person, one that really cares about his family.

    I’m not saying it wasn’t difficult to watch him attempt having a conversation with them when every few minutes he felt like throwing up.

    I had a trashcan next to my bed just in case.

When sleeping next to him, I could feel his slow breathing. I lied awake next to him on most nights, I don’t know if he knows I’m only sleeping about an hour each night. I’m scared that if I actually sleep for a long time, something will happen and I won’t wake up, and being the only person here to help him, I can’t deal with that.

    I would ask someone to stay over and watch over him for a while as I went to a hotel to get sleep.

    That would be stupid though, considering I couldn’t sleep; being that far away from him. I couldn’t sleep in my house, either. I would know that there was someone sitting right by him, just in case, but it’s like I only trust myself to truly take care of him.

    I couldn’t leave him with someone else. Anxiety would get to me and I would end up panicking and not being able to sleep. I’d just be worse off.

   

    Two weeks passed, each day getting progressively worse. It was only because it was the same routine over and over again, every single day.

    Every single day I had one hour or two of sleep. Every single day I had to cry. Every single day I had to watch Troye cry because of me. Every single day I had get in the shower with him, hold his hand so he could stand up, try to get him to eat until I succeeded, and make him swallow pills.

    Every single fucking day.

And now it’s the day Troye’s family’s plane is going to land. They were staying in a hotel nearby and then tomorrow was the first day they were coming over. Their flight lands at eleven pm, so that’s why they weren’t coming over to see him today.

    I couldn’t imagine how they must feel. I mean, I could definitely understand it, but I couldn’t imagine it. This was their son.

    This was their son that had tuberculosis and is living with his boyfriend eight thousand miles away from them.

    And they knew what I was doing for him. They knew about all the showers, they knew about everything.

    We hadn’t told them directly, that would be devastating. But we knew, somewhere in the back of their minds, they knew.

    They knew how much of a struggle it was for Troye. They knew that I was taking care of him. They knew that meant taking showers and that meant other things that won’t be named.

   

    It was going to be a long night. One where I felt Troye’s shaky breath every time his back moved on my chest. I kiss the back of his neck and wrap my leg around his as if I’m his only protection from the world. With the blanket over us, he is always still so cold.

    My lips would hover over his neck and I would whisper ‘I love you’ every time I thought to. It was just in case, you know? Or… if he wasn’t already awake, maybe my ‘I love you’ could get into his dream and make him smile.

    The only sleep I got that night was between 2:42 and 4:03 am. So an hour and twenty-one minutes.