By your side. -- TROYLER / INCOMPLETE

Love of My Life.

--Troye’s POV--   

I knew I wasn’t dead. I felt dead, though. But when I heard faint calling of my name from the voice I would never forget and the feeling of arms picking me up, I knew I wasn’t dead. And I knew I wasn’t dead when I felt Tyler kissing all over my cold face and neck with his warm lips, and then pressing them onto mine. No matter how much I wanted to kiss back, I couldn’t.

    I wanted to tell him I was alive, but I couldn’t.

I wanted to yell at him. But I couldn’t.

    I heard him talk to 9-1-1, I wanted to tell him to just let me die. Then they got to the front of the house and Tyler scooped me up and handed me to someone else. I wanted to squirm out of their arms and get held by Tyler again, but I… of course, couldn’t.

    He held my hand the whole time I figured they were driving me to the hospital. Then I couldn’t feel him by me anymore. They would let him in the room I was in, I guessed. I needed him. I don’t care if he didn’t love me anymore, I still loved him. So why had they made him wait outside? I didn’t know how much time had passed when I finally opened my eyes. I felt horrible and got a headache right when the blinding light hit my pupils. I closed them again, waiting until I heard Tyler walk in to open them again. I saw him when he finally got to me. I tried to keep a straight face and not just start crying.

    “Why are you here?” I almost choked out the words.

He answered, I saw tears pouring down his face. It’s like they were in a neverending flow; like he had no control over what was happening with them.

    Then I told him how I actually felt. That I just wanted to make his problems go away.

“You; my Troye; you; would never be a problem. You are not a problem. You will never be a problem. You are the love of my life, you are my world, I care about you so much, you have to know that.”

    Why did he have to do this to me? Make me feel like a complete idiot for what I had done? But I couldn’t trust him. I still didn’t know why he was kissing someone else.

    Then he told me the whole story. I wanted to not believe him, but after I realized that he must’ve come immediately home after it happened to try and explain to me what happened before I saw the picture, and how distressed he looked, and how red his eyes were from crying, and how I could see the love in his eyes for me; there was no way I didn’t believe him.

    Then he said something like “what if we weren’t together anymore” and my face fell. It felt like my heart broke more.

    ...But somehow, in a matter of the next few seconds, he repaired it again. Like he’s always done for me.

    It’s like he was telling me he was in love with me for the first time over again.

I almost wanted to deny how I felt. He just kept telling me he loved me.

    Then he told me to say it back. I didn’t want to. I tried to get out of it, but I caved in.

“Tell me that you love me back.”

    “I love you.” I said it quickly.

“That’s what I thought, asshole.”

    He’s such a smartass. But I am in love with him, so I guess I’ll let him off the hook. ...A little off the hook.

   

    They brought a psychologist in and Tyler stood by me. He explained to the psychologist as much as he could. But he still couldn’t wrap his head around how I would go straight to suicide just because I saw a picture of my boyfriend kissing someone else. This is when things got awkward, because of the questioning. Tyler was standing right by me, hearing everything I was saying, and I didn’t want to look back at him.

    “Why do you think it is that you immediately went to attempting suicide?”

“I… Uh…” I looked back into Tyler’s eyes. He nodded, approving whatever I might say.

    “I-I think I went immediately to suicide because it was… really difficult for me to wrap my head around Ty-Tyler not being with me. Because… with that picture, I thought that he was cheating on me with someone. And that… and that he was telling me he loved me the whole time without really meaning it. I thought that he didn’t actually love me. I’ll be honest. That’s my biggest fear. I love him.” I looked back at him, and I could see his eyes tearing up. I turned back to the psychologist. “I love him so much. He made me feel good about myself. He rocks me to sleep when I cry. He kisses me awake. He lies with me when I’m sick. Like he has for the past three months. He makes me feel like the only person he’s ever loved. He makes me feel special. He makes me feel perfect. He fixes all my problems. He talks me through anything wrong. He explains to me what happened. He takes care of me. He reminds me he loves me every day in case something happens. He tells me he loves me every day because I believe, and hope, he does. He warms my skin. He holds me close in the morning and at night, and whenever else I need him to. He touches me gently. He makes me food. He buys me what I need, and surprises me with what I want. Tyler’s my favorite person, he’s my favorite boyfriend, he’s my favorite… whatever comes of the future. And that’s why I tried to kill myself. Because when I saw that picture, I couldn’t see my future. The only way I can see my future is right beside him.”

    “I,” Ty’s voice cracked and I looked behind me. He was crying. I reached up and touched his ears, bringing him down a little to gently kiss his chin. “I.. explained how much Troye means to me, and I already told him to never do this again. It’s not a psychological problem. We’re just..”

    I looked back to the psychologist. “He’s the love of my life.”

“Y-Yeah.”

    I was trying not to stutter like Ty was. It was really hard for me to put all of my feelings into words, but I think I was doing an okay job.

    Dr. Nolen coughed. I had finally read his name tag.

“Okay, well… I guess as long as you’ve explained to Troye not to do it again; but I recommend you should, uh, make sure you keep track of the pills in the house.

    I glared at Dr. Nolen. He refrained from making eye contact with me.

“That shouldn’t be-”

    “Yeah, I’ll make sure of it.”

“Huh?!” I turned around to look at him. He raised an eyebrow at me and shook his head ‘no’. I squinted my eyes at him and then turned back around.

    “... Yes. Well, you two should be able to go home now. I’ll… tell the doctors I had a talk with you.”

    “Thank you, Dr. Nolen.”

“I really didn’t do anything, but you’re welcome.” He left the room.

   

    All he brought to the hospital was his phone, and that was in his pocket. He lifted me up and held me by having his arm across my back. I knew that it would take me longer to recover from my tuberculosis now because of the overdosage. Dammit.

    “Carry me?” I pouted.

“You can fucking walk, bitch. I’ll hold onto you but nothing more.” he winked at me. His sarcasm is the devil.

    Considering I had just poured my heart out about Tyler to a psychologist with Ty standing right behind me, things were a bit… awkward. Especially because I had just tried to kill myself over something that wasn’t true, and almost succeeded.

    We got in the car and he drove us home.

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Warning: Things are gonna be a bit awkward for a little while. But everything will be fine. :) I love reading all your comments and seeing all your favorites. <3 Can we get 30 favorites and 10 comments? Thanks :)

LOVELIES.

-- Oli <333