Left Behind

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"I'm not doing so well today... I'm tired, but I slept all night. I need to move, but I stay still. My body is not my own and I'm scared. I will lose again. I'm going to lose again. I don't want to lose!"

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Help me. Help me. Help me. Help m-
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"Ah h-hello... Yes I think the new medication has made a difference... No no I feel a bit better now... What happened? Well. I felt a tug at my skin. It was soft at first, like a toddler pulling at their mothers coat for attention, but it grew. It was yanking, my skin was stretching... What was it? I don't know... Could have been myself... Or a demon? Or am I the demon?.. Don't look at me like that..."

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"Viktor visited today. It was good to see his face, his hair is longer... I miss him. The more time I spend here the more I long for him... His face was smiling, but his eyes looked sad. He probably misses me as well... I feel a strange sense of guilt for some reason... Yes I know nothing was my fault, but... I know its silly, but I still feel a sense of responsibility. It's like I want to be able to blame someone and I'm the closest person I can think of... Although it's not my fault... It's not his either so... I guess its a useless mystery only I'm trying to solve..."

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"It is my fault... I'm so sorry that I hurt Yuuri... I meant to say myself..."

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"I'm sad today. I don't know why; I just am... This sad feeling makes me sleepy as well, but I haven't been able to sleep well... No I don't need sleeping medicine... I'll be alright. I guess it's just... one of those days."

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"I'm so very tired. I've been up so many nights that I can't keep track anymore... My mind is busy with a conversation I want no part in. It's not fair that I can't sleep because of this. I want peace, but the decision is no longer mine as to if I'll get it. As is my mind no longer mine... As it is my body feels over populated with bad thoughts and I don't know how to push them out..."

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"Last night I finally was able to rest although it wasn't as comforting as I was hoping it would be. I had woken up this morning feeling unfulfilled, As if a part of me was unwilling to wake up with the rest... Actually when I opened my eyes this morning I half expected to see the ceiling of the resort ha ha... But now thinking about it, I can't see myself waking to where I once was. Instead I've imagined opening my eyes to darkness, pitch black, nothing..."

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"I've been having better sleeping patterns and I've had very little absentminded conversations in my head. I don't think I've ever felt so at ease... Yes I'm sorry about all this trouble I put you through after recovery was so close... Ah you're right I shouldn't be apologizing... I can say that I was scared for a while there... I thought I was going to take too many steps back and become stuck as I once was... I think I've fought a good fight though... A very hard and continuing battle... But I feel somewhat good..."

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It was hard... It was so very hard and painful... It felt like there were pieces of me that I never knew making an appearance... and in my desperation I tried to scrap the together; forcing them to fit where they didn't in an attempt to create a new me. But they never would stay how I wanted them to and I ended up breaking again and again...

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For a bit I tried to convince myself that none of this was actually happening to me... "It could just be my imaginations playing tricks on me!" I thought; My mind HAS never been kind. Reality was quick to remind me of my miserable presence though...

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"I always believed that my relationship with Viktor was absolute. I never imagined any of these circumstances at all... To have met an unfortunate end means to have had a beginning... but I believe that my relationship with Viktor never truly began... So I do not believe it has ended... This feeling in my chest... This warm, air-like feeling —as though a tuft of cloud caught itself on my rib cage— reminds me of the love I feel inside... And reminds me I am still alive...
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When you have a death wish, you play by your own rules... But I feel as though I've rewritten mine... For a happier life and love... For a happier ending... For a happier me."