Country romance now completed

Chapter 14

Jason said nothing about my dream last night, but I really didn't feel like talking that Sunday morning, as everyone sat in a weird silence, I wasn't sure why everyone was so quiet, but I found myself walking out of the house right after breakfast, the dogs trailing after me, but I didn't seam to mind.

For once, I just sat down in the sunny fresh country air, as the realism of my situation hit me hard in the heart. Everything, everything I had done and never really felt the aftermath for , everything I had thought was exhilarating and cool, I had done it for the show, not for my own pleasure, but because my friends had pressured me into doing it.

I buried my face in the fur of my furry friends, and it seamed as though they could feel that I was hopeless, as I sat there, my heart aching so hard not for myself, not  for my boyfriend or my old friends, but for my dad, and Jason, and Austin.

My dad had lost his wife, because she was too selfish, and so was her good for nothing daughter, who grew up to be just like her, my heart shattered for my dad, who still into something he realized he never had.

He deserved something so much better.

He deserved a child so much better then me

My heart aches for Jason and Austin, who had lost their wife and mother in a car crash, from some careless teens, they had never gotten to say goodbye.

They had lost her, even though I really didn't know the two of them, and to be honest I didn't even know their last name, it was as though there was an invisible pull bringing us together.

And for that, I felt confused, as everything in my life came tumbling down on me at once.

I knew why I felt so powerless.

I'm stupid, and I will never learn, I wish I could change, I wish I could be a better person, but who would even care, I have been an idiot my whole life, why would people want me now???

Nothing can soothe the soul like a good Netflix party. I leaned back on my bed, as I watched stranger things all over again. I had seen it before, but I wasn't really paying attention as the show played on.

It all seemed so irrelevant at this point.

Until I heard the door close behind someone, I didn't look up, I didn't really know why, maybe it was because I didn't feel important enough, and I hoped the person would leave, maybe it was because I knew who it was, and I didn't want to face them.

"Not even going to say hi," I heard his voice, and it left a dull ache in my throat, as I turned, my eyes finally linking with his, but I said nothing, as I turned back to my show, still in my PJs, I couldn't really explain what I was feeling.

Guilt

It was so much more

It was as though the pain in my heart would never subside, everything I have done would haunt me forever, and there was nothing I could ever do about it, that was what had left me so powerless, that was what scared me more then anything else.

I couldn't bring myself to think of what happened, it tortured me, and it would continue to crash against my mind until I slipped into an unseat death.

"You okay," his voice slipped once again in the air, bouncing around waiting for a response, his voice, it hit me just right, as that one thought resurfaced wants again, why, why did he care, why did he care when the person who sat before him was nothing but a human who had screwed up more then he ever would.

If only he knew why I was here, the reason I had left, the resin that one person I thought I loved had almost betrayed me when he found out the consequences for his actions,, the petty girl  I had worked so hard to become,they deserted me when I needed them the most.