Train Wreck

Chapter Twelve: Her

I wasn't the kind of person who was good at making conversation. I was always better at listening and if I'm honest, I preferred listening over talking. So as Roman proceeded to tell me about his adventures on one of his family holidays, I thought over how it was possible that I could really be here. I didn't feel part of the conversation even though I was the only one he was talking to. My presence didn't feel real because my mind was somewhere else. I appreciated the fact that Roman took time to find the nice restaurant with all those wondrous books but my mind couldn't stick to one thing.
"Nevada?"

I shook my head and looked up at him.
"Sorry," I said.

"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."

Roman nodded then looked down at his lap and stopped talking. Great, I had made him feel stupid. I wasn't paying attention and I hated myself for it. It was such a nice date and I wished that I could've been kinder and said something more. Or at least ask him some questions.

"I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back," I announced. I slide out of my seat and headed towards the ladies room, walking as fast as I could.

My mind was spinning and at the worst possible time too. I tried to calm myself down by doing some breathing exercises. The bathroom smelled of lavender soap and peppermints which reminded me of my Grandmothers house. I rested my hands against the sink and leaned into it. The mirror was round and shiny, as if it had just been wiped. I stared at myself and for some reason I couldn't see me. Yes, I was there physically but if I looked into my eyes, I couldn't see me. I couldn't see the me that was on a date with a sweet guy. Couldn't see the me that was quiet and shy or the me who was a daughter or a friend, or an employee. Me had disappeared somewhere and I didn't know where.

"You can do this. You have to do this. For Roman. For yourself," I told myself, looking into my reflections eyes. I walked out of the bathroom and sat back down on my seat. Roman was tapping his foot on the ground.
"You alright?" he asked concerned.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry. If I was annoying or something."
"You weren't. It was just me. Don't worry." He nodded then took a sip of his sprite. God, I had made this situation awkward as hell. Could you not shut up for once!? Who me? Hunny no, I can't. I'm a part of you. I'm always thinking. We're always thinking. Together. God, I hate you brain.

Roman and I decided to take a walk through the park after dinner. It was a crisp and fresh night. The sun was almost down and the sky was a beautiful orange and red colour. Stripes of pink lined the sky too and it made the whole idea of walking more romantic. There's just something about sunsets. Romans hand fell to his side and brushed against mine. I could see from the corner of my eyes that his cheeks became tomato red. To make things less awkward, I grabbed his hand and he smiled. I could see it put him at ease and I smiled too. We didn't talk and I was okay with that because I wasn't sure what I would say if we tried to make conversation. Roman however seemed to want to say something. He opened his mouth, closed it, thought for a minute, opened his mouth again. But he didn't say what he wanted to. Maybe I was coming off as uninterested so I decided to be polite and ask "What are you thinking?"

"Nothing really."

"You've been opening and closing your mouth like you want to say something for the past minute," I stated.

"Well, I just wanted to ask are you okay? And I don't mean like just are you okay now but I mean in general. Like how are you doing? Mentally?" I didn't reply for a good while because I didn't really no what stage I was at. I had gone through every stage there was but now I didn't know which one I was at anymore. It was like a stage where all the stages where put together, if that made any sense. I couldn't really figure out the answer myself. So Roman and I walked into the depth of the street lit park in silence because in some way, he understood I couldn't answer him.

We eventually decided to sit down on one of the benches.
"Can I ask you a question?" I asked him. He nodded and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

"Who was that girl on your phone? The little one? I just noticed when you checked the time on it," I immediately regretted asking him because I could see his jaw tighten and his eyes go dull. Pain was written all over his face and I wanted to cry seeing how hurt he looked. Roman sighed and closed his eyes, tilting his head towards the sky.
"My sister."
"Oh, I didn't know you had a sister."

"I don't. Well I do. But not physically." I could instantly tell he meant that she was dead. I saw a tear slide down his cheek and he turned away and wiped his eyes. I don't know what happened but I could tell whatever it was, it was bad.

"She died. 6 months ago. Almost 7 months now. She was only 9," he choked. His eyes turned red as the tears burned his eyes. He didn't want to cry but as soon as I placed my hand on his shoulder, the dam broke and the river came.

He cried for a long while but I didn't mind. I didn't say anything. Just hugged him and reassured him that I was there. Sometimes that's all you can do. Sometimes the person just needs a hug from someone. No words but just a solid hug. After the tears were shed and he couldn't cry anymore, Roman looked up at me and apologised.
"Don't be sorry for feeling. You should never apologise for feeling," I told him. He smiled and then he leaned in towards me. He's going to kiss you. He's going to kiss you and you're sitting here looking like an idiot. He's not going to kiss me. Why would he do- HE WILL. Better run before your heart gets broken. I told you you should have stayed home. He's not going to-

I felt heat on my lips and my brain was right. He did kiss me and I sat there like an idiot. But eventually I got out of my head and kissed him back. I leaned into him as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I didn't want this to be true but it was. But I also felt like it was right. Butterflies flew around in my stomach and I smiled. My cheeks grew hot as he pulled away and I hoped he couldn't see me blushing.
"I, um, sorry? Was that wrong to do?" He blushed and looked down at his hands. But the thing was, it probably was wrong but it felt right. I wanted to do it again. I knew I shouldn't have because then I'd only get caught up in him more and I didn't know if going for a relationship at that time was a good idea. But I pulled him over and kissed him again. I melted into him and everything became warm and fuzzy. A feeling I didn't know existed anymore. We both pulled away and he held my head in his hands, staring into my eyes. I didn't find it awkward. I smiled at him and he smiled back. We sat there for awhile, just holding hands and staring into space. I liked it though; the silence. It was like our minds were in space together and our bodies didn't matter.

Just our thoughts and just... us.