Fading In The Rain | Bughead

19: "Deja Vu"

TW: mental illness, mentions of suicide, 

These thoughts, these feelings, this...utter sadness I carry around with me were fading not too long ago. When Jughead and I started our relationship together, I was so extremely happy, it was crazy. And now, even though he was still here, even though he still expressed his love for me, I didn't keep my promise. I promised Jughead I wanted to live, but I really felt that commitment fading away.

 And if I'm honest, this all just felt like deja vu. Feeling my depression arise in me once more, my anxiety getting more and more easy to trigger; it was all like flashbacks. Before I knew Jughead loved me, before I had a reason for living. I don't know how this keeps tracing back to suicide, but it seems like that's all I think about. Like yesterday, Jughead took me to this beautiful garden, but all I could wonder is how these bouquets would look atop my casket.

Then, he surprised me with a hair-makeover, which was just him styling my hair into this gorgeous, complex, curled bridal masterpiece. And when the end result was shown, I thought if this is how I would look as an angel spirt after I'd swallowed the pills. I couldn't be thinking like this anymore. Thoughts lead to actions, actions lead to regrets, regrets lead to painful memories; and I don't need anymore of those.

Jughead would always ask me if I'm okay or what's on my mind. I tell him when I think about suicide, and that's when he'd take me in his arms and tell me how much he loved me and call me "Betts," because he knows I love it. He's the best in the world at comforting me. "You okay, Betts?" Jughead asked, his hand running through my hair and his arms wrapped around me. "Yeah, just lost in thought," I replied. "Good thoughts?"  he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, yeah. Just...partially suicidal," I admitted. Jughead sighed and pulled me closer to him. I rested my head on his chest and my fingers caressed the side of his neck and his jawline. "I don't know why I feel this way," I confessed. "I know baby. It's hard. It's really, really hard," Jughead sympathized. "Yeah, and it sucks," I said, looking up at him a giving a slight chuckle. He looked down at me a chuckled with me before his face went straight and he said, "God, I love you."

"And I love you," I said as my fingertips cupped his cheek. Jughead leaned forward quickly and urgently pressed his lips on mine. I was in heaven. Every one of his kisses gave me peace. And it was magical, purely magical. And every second that went by was one that I wanted my lips to be devoured by his. I wanted to be suffocated from my breath being taking from me, and shared with the one I love.

"You're so beautiful," Jughead whispered as I basically laid down in his arms. I couldn't believe him. I'm not beautiful. I'm ugly and horrible inside and out. But if I don't believe it, how is it that I genuinely smile every time he says it. I don't think he'd lie to me, but I just can't understand how he could think those things about me. Jughead basically lived with me now. We shared a room and a bed, for that matter. If I did it, he would somehow try to save me. I can't let him.

Whoo! Cliffhanger! I really hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Is it just me, or did the mood of this book just completely change? I don't know, it just kinda feels that way. Anyway, that's it for this chapter, bye!