All Areas Accessed - Sequel to Access All Areas

Chapter Seventeen

Goodbyes.

They've never really bothered me before. But the one I've just had to say, has left me actually feeling sick. Saying goodbye to Clara, was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Although I'll be seeing her in two weeks, those two weeks are going to be the toughest two weeks of my life.

Even while I'm sat on this plane, I feel like pieces of me are still back with her. I feel like the whole of me should still be with Clara, and not sat here; feeling so damn incomplete.

But that's how I am feeling.

Fragmented. Empty. Deflated.

All I keep seeing, is her emotional face. As I look out to the darkness of the night sky at 39,000 feet, I keep seeing the tears that she fought so hard not to let me see. When we said an emotional goodbye, heavy tears had pushed themselves through Clara's weakened lashes and sadly revealed themselves to me. Those tears, are now slowly killing me. Remembering each one of them, actually now hurts. Clara's so bravely fought tears, are now a constant reminder of just how important I am to her. They also confirm just how important she has become to me.

I'm here.

She's there.

But shit, she's now so completely important to me.

I'm so angry at myself. I'm also angry at my mom, at Maci, my record company, my team. I'm angry at anyone in my breathing space, right now. The best thing to have ever fallen into my life...and I go and leave her.

I had to.

I know I had to.

Mom has too much to deal with Maci all by herself and I have a lot of professional commitments that I must unfortunately honour.

I simply had no other choice.

I had to get on this plane.

I had to leave Clara behind.

And it's exactly that, that's now making me so angry.

I'm Rhys Ryan. My whole life evolves around that name. I've always known I'm just a brand name. A human commodity. People think I can do what the hell I want, but I'm often doing what other people want.

At all times, the 'brand' has to be looked after. In all honesty, I'm just the puppet on the fame string. I am told where to be, with whom, and on what day. It's exhausting. It's tiresome. Which is why I act a dick at times. Fame sometimes grinds me down. It can be lonely, even when you're not alone.

Yeah, I have money.

Yeah, I travel all over the world.

But these days, I'm just so crazily busy, I don't get to ever enjoy the money I do have and I don't get to see all the places that I travel to.

I'm always on an endless merry go round of worldwide promotion, people battling to interview me and gruelling touring. When I'm not promoting and touring, I'm writing and recording.

With all of that professional strain, I have the personal strain of my sister. Mom does her best, she really does. But her maternal best just isn't strong enough. Maci's problems have become ours to shoulder as well.

And I'm tired.

I'm tired of it all.

Meeting Clara has made me realise just how tired of it all I really am. The thought of getting to be with only her in two weeks time, is going to be the only thing that's going to see me through the next fourteen days.

Closing my eyes. I try to shut out the hurt of having to leave Clara. Shut out the mess of Maci that I have to deal with as soon as my feet touch American soil. Shut out all that I need to do before I see my girl again.