All Areas Accessed - Sequel to Access All Areas

Chapter Thirty Five

I have watched the sun come up over the shadowed valley, just like it has many times before. But the sun has risen on a truly devastating and senseless day. After spending some time with my mom, I just needed to be alone. To hear your own mother cry in the way that I've just had to, splits your soul into tiny, unfixable pieces. Even though I keep being told that none of this is my fault, I still believe that it is.

I knew that Maci was going to run. I could sense that something wasn't right with her. She was going through the obedient motions, trying to please everyone else, when she only wanted to please herself. Drugs were all that my sister knew. So of course it would be to them that she would eventually run. I knew that, only I didn't do anything about it. So yeah, this is my fault. I am to blame.

That's why I've been sat on the top of this hill for hours all alone. I'm finding myself stare down at such a beautiful place, knowing that my life has just turned so very ugly.

How do I deal with this?

How do I face everyone?

How do I face Clara?

I know she will start wondering where I am, only I don't know what to say to her. I have such a numb blackness taking up residence within me, that has anaesthetised all of my normal feelings; I'm left afraid of what I'll say or do. So, I'll just keep sitting here. I need this time to process all that's happened. I need this time to gather myself. Maci's death will soon be emerging to the entire world, so I just need to work through some shit before it does. I know that there are many other families who all bear the scars from their own dramas and issues, but my family—we're going to have to bear them beneath the spotlight of my fame.

Everyone will see for themselves that I didn't do enough.

Clara, she will also realise that I didn't do enough.

I can't face her.

I just can't.

I'm afraid she will look at me and see the face of the man who is truly responsible for Maci's death. The amount of times that I have wanted my sister out of my life. The amount of times I have wished her to be dead, and now that she is, Clara will see that; she will see the true perpetrator of Maci's demise.

I wanted Maci gone.

I wanted her addiction gone.

Me.

Her death is on me.

The death of her unborn child is on me, too.

Many times I have wanted Maci out of my life. Many times, I have wanted her and her shitty addiction to leave me the hell alone.

What kind of a brother does that?

What kind of a man does that make me?

Clara will know what kind of man that makes me.

She will know and it will change all of how she feels about me.

Maybe it's best that she is leaving on Saturday?

I've already lost Maci, I'll more than likely lose Clara as well.

Eventually, I'll screw it up with her just like I did with my sister.

It's the Rhys Ryan way. It's what I always end up doing.

So it makes sense to pull away from her now. This is a party of self loathing and pity for only one. I can't think about Clara right now. I can't think about what she needs, when I don't even know what I need for myself.

My spirit is broken.

My ego is frail.

Even though Clara is the love of my life, I no longer believe that she deserves love from a man like me. My sister deserved a better brother and Clara deserves a better lover. I've already taken two lives, I can't be responsible for another.