All Areas Accessed - Sequel to Access All Areas

Chapter Forty Two

Shards of Californian sunlight pierce through the darkness of my shaded bedroom. My eyelids ache, my head aches, my body aches and my mouth feels as dry as a sandbox. As I lie on the bed, trying to allow time for my hungover mind to start working again, I listen to the sound of the shower in the distance. My thoughts race to the less intoxicated parts. I remember feeling good, dancing and laughing with Clara. Then I remember bumping into Gabriela, being dragged back down by her and all the drinks that followed. Then I remember Cameron, how I kicked off at him. Oh god, how I kicked off at Clara. Will then kicked off at me. Then Gabriela again. Shit, I feel sick. She was all over me. She was all over me, and I couldn't do enough to get her off me. Then Clara came, I remember her being with me. Then I was being carried by Will, Slam and Jules. And now I'm here. With closed eyes, I think really hard about what I'd said—berating Clara because she was upset, accusing Cam and her of being together, humiliating my girl in front of everyone—I'm sickeningly now remembering it all. Rolling over, I heave out an aching breath.

Why am I such a screw up?

Last night now proves how much I don't deserve Clara.

It proves how I'll never deserve her.

My sister destroyed herself and she is now destroying me from the grave.

She can destroy me, but I'll not let her destroy Clara.

I just won't.

Hauling myself out of bed, I trudge towards the shower. My body still aches, my mind still aches, and now my heart painfully aches.

Shame, guilt and regret guide me closer and closer to Clara. I know that I have probably killed anything that she has ever felt for me.

I did that. All by myself, I did it.

I have killed her feelings for me.

I have extinguished her love for me.

She is more than likely in that shower, washing away both me and my mess of a life from her body and soul. And I can't blame her. I've been so locked up in my own grief, I forgot to give Clara the key.

I've been pushing her away, over and over again. She kept staying, but I kept pushing her away. She has loved me, when I've constantly hated myself. Last night, was probably a push too far. Now, she will leave me. The very thing that I've been torturing myself about, is now going to happen, because I have made it happen. My pride has been so fragmented, I have felt too fragile to admit to Clara that I need her. I need her forever. Not just for a holiday, not just because I have lost my sister, I need her because I love her. I've been too broken to admit that I can't live without her. But it's the truth. I can't live without her. So as I slide open the shower, I look at Clara with nothing on except for the devastation and the despair that suffocatingly clings to my skin. I'm no longer a brother. I'll never be an Uncle. And I'll never love anyone as much as I love the woman in front of me. Clara was my last hope, but I doused that hope with alcohol last night. I couldn't be sorrier. I couldn't be more regretful.

With her staring back at me, I slowly step inside of the shower. Her eyes are tired and wearily bloodshot. Knowing that I have already lost her, I just fall down to my knees and wrap my arms around her legs and let the warm water rain all over my sad and shamed body. There, I sit. In wet and steamy despair, I stay. Without Clara, I'm lost. Without her, I'm nothing.

No amount of fame is going to help me get over her. The loss is too great. Too punishing. Too cruel.

Clara quickly falls to her knees, enveloping me in her soaking wet arms. I don't know whether she's holding me with a goodbye in her heart or with love in her heart, but I let her hold me with anything she has.

This is me letting go of everything.

Letting out all of the pain that is rotting me from the inside.

I can't pretend anymore.

I can't.

If Clara is leaving me, she needs to be shown why.

Not that I want her to leave. Of course I don't. Which is why through my soaked and shivering lips. "Stay." Chokingly slips from out of my desperate and pleading mouth as tears of anguish slip from my eyes.

Clara is just as desperately cradling my face within her hands, forcing my saturated head to lift from where it sadly hangs down. As soon as we are eye to eye, she whispers into my open mouth. "I will."

My despairing eyes quickly widen, framed with saturated lashes of hopeful surprise. "You'll stay?" My voice is still shaken and shattered, and I now need Clara to confirm what I think she's just agreed to.

She smiles, a wonderful and uplifting smile. "I am staying here with you, Rhys. I couldn't leave you even if I tried. I love you. I love you in a stupid, ridiculously and crazy way. So, I am staying. I can only ever be where you are. You could say, you're stuck with me now." She smiles again, and it's that sanguine smile that starts saving me.

Hurrying her against my soaked body, I just hold her. I hold her longingly tight with the deepest of thanks making my heart pound so gratefully hard within my chest. She's staying. My girl isn't leaving me. I need Clara in my arms, wet skin to wet skin and love against love. Just when I thought I had nothing, she has given me everything. She has handed me her whole heart, her entire future, all of her hopes and every one of her dreams...and in tender turn, I shall hand the very same things to her.