All Areas Accessed - Sequel to Access All Areas

Chapter Thirty Seven

Like a clingy child, my arms are wrapped around Clara's waist. Like a strong woman, her arms are wrapped protectively around my body as she tries to find a better position on the hard stone floor. As she moves, I pathetically cling onto her even more. "It's okay, I'm here." Is the soft and soothing response to fall from between her comforting lips.

Clara deserves to know the truth. It's not fair that I don't have the strength to tell her what has happened. Just like a really courageous child, I lie in her warm lap and try to be really brave. "She's gone, Clara. She was found in some street like she was nothing." Just the warmth of her leg against my cheek soothes me, so I rub my cheek against it as I bravely go on. "I'm trying so hard to remember Maci as the sister she used to be, but all of those memories are overshadowed by the addict she became." My arms only cling tighter as I struggle to keep going. "Maci is gone. The baby is gone. That's it, they're gone."

Hunching right over me, Clara is trying to shield me from all of my pain, using herself as the powerful shield. "I'm so sorry. So sorry. So truly sorry." Her own tears now fall alongside mine. Tears that only make me feel worse. Clara doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve any of my family's grief and pain.

As I am, I am weak and pathetic. I have fallen apart. Now I need to pull myself back together. Enough tears have been shed, now I have to start being strong. Strong for my mom, strong for Clara and strong for myself. Pulling my heavy and deflated self up, I look at the woman who has unwittingly become embroiled in my emasculating emotions. "I need to go and shower. I need to see mom and speak to the police. There's so much to do." Making my achey body stand tall, I am trying my best to be the Rhys Ryan who gets shit done.

Clara is slowly rising from the floor, looking tired and so concerned. "Do you want anything to eat or drink?" She kindly asks, wondering whether it's okay to smile my way.

With a quick shake of my head, I find it hard to look her in the eye. I only see sadness, worry and pity. "No, I just need a shower." Is my hasty reply as I need to turn away from all three of those solemn stares.

Behind me, Clara calls out. "Rhys?"

Stopping my determined strides, I slowly turn around to face her. "Yeah?"

With a gentle tilt of her head, Clara's voice is soft. "None of this is your fault."

I wish I could agree with her, I really do. Instead, I reply with my own version of the truth. "I knew something was wrong, Clara...I should have done more."

But Clara rushes towards me as quick as her bare feet will take her. "You have done everything that you could do, Rhys."

Her small hands tenderly hold my face as they try to dispel my painful version of the truth, but those lovely hands of hers just aren't big enough. Closing my eyes, I just want to enjoy the feel of her palms against my unworthy skin just a little longer before I am ready to be a man again. When my eyes slowly open again, I make sure I am ready. "I have to go."

But Clara doesn't let me move, her hands make me look at her again. "You don't have to do this alone. I'm calling Dex later on, to tell him that I'll be staying on an extra week."

She's smiling now, hoping that I'll suddenly feel better on account of what she's just said. In a way, I do. Clara is wanting to be here for me. It's a thoughtful and really sweet gesture. A gesture that I wish I could be happier about. But after that extra week, she will finally leave. She will leave, and I'll have to cope with the loss of her while I'm still dealing with the loss of my sister. I know I am being selfish. I feel like I am regressing into that clingy childlike state again. Not wanting to do that, I fight against it. Instead, I act like the man that I ought to be by reaching for Clara's neck and bringing her closer, close enough to kiss her soft forehead with my exhausted lips. That brief and lingering kiss is a small thank you, a confused apology and a distant goodbye; all fleshly cushioned together.