All Areas Accessed - Sequel to Access All Areas

Chapter Forty Three

Maci,

You're gone.

I couldn't save you and you didn't want to save yourself. I think there will always be a part of me that will never forgive either one of us for that.

Wherever you now are, I hope you hear the words I write. Because you need to hear them, Mace. I write this letter, loving you and hating you. You have left such a painful mess behind. Mom is trying to make sense of your loss. I'm trying to be strong for her and for myself. Then there's you, wherever you are now, just watching us clear away the mess you have selfishly made. I'm so mad at you. If you were here, I would slap you and then hug you. But you're not here, I can't slap you and I can't hug you. I'll never see you again, I'll never hear you again. And for what, Maci? It's all because you cared more about drugs than anyone or anything else. Mom is trying so hard to make sense of that.

YOU WERE SO SENSELESS.

YOU WERE SO SELFISH. You had so much but cared so little, Mace. All you cared about, was your next fix.

Your very own child wasn't a good enough reason for you to get better. For that, I can't ever forgive you. You not only ended your life, you ended your child's life. Mom won't ever see her grandchild and I'll never be an Uncle. You took that away from us. You took motherhood away from yourself. I just don't think that's something I will ever get over, Mace.

But I will try. I have to. I'm not going to let all of your demons, haunt me. I spent years worrying about whether you would make it or not. Wondering whether I'd ever get my sister back. But you didn't make it and I will never get my sister back. Your demons were what killed you. I will not let them taint my life. I won't let YOU taint my life. This is where I have to let go. I know that if I don't, your loss will eat me from the inside out.

And I won't let that happen.

I am here and you're not.

That was your choice, Maci.

So this is my choice. To live and be happy.

I won't let losing you, destroy me. If I allow that to happen, I will lose Clara, and that is something that I'll never let happen.

I love her.

I love her so much.

I care more about her, than I care about myself.

The fame, the fortune...it's nothing compared to her.

Why is why I have to let you go, Mace. If I keep wallowing in my grief, I'll end up pushing Clara away. If that happened, then my life really would be without something that is far greater than you or me. My love and need for Clara is greater than all of my fame and all of my grief for you. It's greater than anything. This beautiful person has changed me in so many ways, in better ways. She makes me want to grab life with both hands and be happy. I think we all, deep down, need to belong to someone...and I belong to Clara.

Maybe that was your problem, Mace? Maybe you never felt like you belonged to anyone? I guess, we'll just never know now.

But I am here. I am alive. And I plan on happily living my life.

I'm going to be with Clara.

I'm going to marry her.

I'm going to be happy being in love and happy being loved by her.

I'm going to do all of that, Maci.

Then maybe, just maybe...I'll be able to forgive you.

I hope so, I really do. I want to be able to one day remember all of the things that I used to love about you, and not all of the things that I sadly hate about you right now. I don't want my love for you to be forever buried beneath the addict that you became.

I think I will get there.

One day.

That day isn't today.

Today, I'm still angry at you. I hate all that you've done. But beneath all of that, my love is somewhere there...it's just being suffocated. Today is really all about me saying goodbye, because tomorrow is going to be all about me and my life. Mine and Clara's life.

I hope that wherever you are now, Maci...that you have finally found some peace. Writing this letter to you has strangely brought some peace to me. I'm writing all that I couldn't actually say to you, that I'll never be able to say to you. But it's out now and I feel better for it.

So, goodbye sis!

I hope you find happiness.

I hope you're with your little one.

Your brother, Rhys x

Clara has quietly read the letter that I had written whilst she deeply slept. After telling me that she was staying, we eventually got out of the shower and fell asleep in each other's relieved arms. But when I woke with Clara contentedly draped across me, I knew that there was something I had to do. I needed to get it all out how I was feeling. Writing songs has always been a cathartic thing to do, so my letter to my sister was penned much the same as I would a song—honest and from the heart. Now Clara is looking at me, with her teal eyes brimming over with so many tears.

Tears of sadness.

Tears of loss.

Tears of pride.

And tears of joy.

"That's a beautifully written letter." She softly says with her voice broken with such emotion.

Taking the letter from between her slightly trembling fingers, I place it safely on the bedside table. That letter needed to written. To lighten my soul, those words had to be put down on paper. Now that they have, I intend to heed Will's advice—I'm wanting the future that my sister never did. Taking Clara's left hand, I kneel close beside her as I bring her wedding finger slowly into my mouth to lovingly suck.

"I want this finger to always be mine." Moving a mere breath away from her lips, I then say. "I also want your lips to always be mine." I wickedly steal one of her kisses. Kisses that will also always be mine. My mouth lazily decides to leave hers, to tenderly trail down to her stomach. "And I want your body to always be mine." I desirously drawl, before making my enticing way back up to her waiting mouth. "All of me is yours, Clara. I now want all of you. Say you'll marry me?"

Clara doesn't hold out on me. There's no uncomfortable pause or hint of hesitation, her excited answer flies from out of her mouth with a joyous whisper. "Yes." Linking her hands quickly around my neck, she elatedly then adds. "I will insanely marry you!" Tears of happiness start rolling down her cheeks as she cuddles me tighter with her happy arms.

Anywhere I can kiss Clara, I kiss her with the same excited joy. "You don't know how happy that makes me." Over and over, I shower her with loving and celebratory kisses. "I love you, Clara. In a world full of faces, yours is now the only one I want to look at for the rest of my life." Lying her back down on the bed, I hover just above her beautiful and precious face, just wanting to see the eyes that shall always belong to me. "I will make you the happiest woman alive, I can promise you that." It's a promise that I will keep for the rest of my life. A promise that I know I'll never break.

Smiling back up at me, Clara takes my face between the soft warmth of her pleasing palms. "You already do." Then she rewards me with one of her kisses, so dainty and so delicious.

Yeah, Clara Thorn is going to be my wife...and soon.