Let Me Show You How to Love Yourself (Larry Stylinson) ✅

Backwards

"Harry, I'm home," Liam called, coming into the flat. He rounded the corner and began walking to the loo to take a leak. "I'm back a bit early to— oh my god!" He screamed, jumping back in horror as he opened the door to find Harry kneeling over the toilet bowl, vomiting.

Harry looked up at Liam, his long hair plastered to his neck and his bright eyes dark rimmed and bloodshot, before he vomited again. "I fucked up," he coughed before spitting into the toilet. "I'm so sorry Liam. I let you down."

Liam walked in and knelt on the ground next to Harry, stroking his back softly as he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. "It's alright, Harry. You're okay," he cooed. "One set back does not undo all of the recovery you worked so hard for."

"It wasn't just one," Harry choked between heaves. "I did it last night too." Liam felt his gut clench as he thought about how he and Zayn had been home last night, but were probably too busy canoodling to hear Harry vomiting in the bathroom down the hall. They should have been watching him more carefully.

"It's okay, Harry. You have therapy and a weigh in tomorrow and you can discuss what happened and come up with some new techniques," Liam said with a smile. Harry closed to the toilet bowl and stood up to flush it, using Liam's hand as support.

"Y- you're not mad?" Harry asked, looking down at Liam, who was still kneeling on the bathroom floor. "No. I'm proud of you for telling the truth. The old Harry wouldn't have told me, and he wouldn't have admitted that he did something wrong," Liam said, jumping up and following Harry out of the bathroom.

Harry nodded weakly at Liam, wishing he could believe him. But he couldn't help but feel like a failure. He was failing at recovery by throwing up and he was failing at being anorexic by not hiding his behaviors— it's like he couldn't do anything right.

"Haz. Do you think you know what triggered you?" Liam asked, handing Harry a bottle of water and the two sat down at the table. Harry shrugged. "I guess I just felt overwhelmed by... well, it's stupid. But by my new body. Everyone keeps drawing attention to how much better I look now... and it just makes me more self conscious about how I've changed. I know I look better... but the disordered part of me thinks I'm a failure for gaining weight. And sometimes I get triggered..." Harry said quietly. Liam stared at him with wide eyes, completely surprised by how self aware Harry was. Before, he was hardly able to admit he had a problem, let alone why he had a problem.

"And... I. I don't know. I felt so weird getting undressed yesterday with Louis. Like I was so hard, I was ready to do it. But I just couldn't even take my clothes off cause I was so embarrassed..." Harry admitted, realizing too little too late that this was probably something he should have shared with Zayn instead of Liam. Liam sensed that too, as his fists began to ball up in anger, almost involuntarily, and his shoulders began to shake with rage.

"I... alright Harry. Well I don't mean to intervene in your life, but don't you think it's a little soon to be jumping into a relationship... or into sex right when you get back? Don't you need some time to adjust, mate?" Louis asked. He had learned to turn his angry comments into questions so they didn't come off so aggressive and gave the other person the option to agree or disagree rather than just attacking them with his opinions.

"I mean, yeah. Logically, it's not smart. I should give myself time and all that. But Li, you don't understand. I've been in there so long— without him for so long. And I really like Louis. Like really like him," Harry said, biting his lip a bit out of nervousness. He hadn't shared this much with Liam in a while.

"I just... I don't know. Instinct took over and I made the first move. I just crave him, you know? Like the way you probably crave Zayn," Harry said. Liam felt his face redden at Harry's comment. "I mean, yeah. I get you mate. You've been without him for so long. Just be careful with yourself though, okay?" he replied with a slight smile.

Harry played with a bracelet on his wrist and nodded. "Yeah. I will, Li. Thanks," he said, getting up to go to his room.

"Haz, remember. Extra fluids. And you're getting an extra snack later tonight to make up for this," Liam called over to him. Harry responded with a muffled "Okay" before plopping onto his bed and drifting off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~|~~|~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry awoke to the flashing screen of his phone, which had 3 unread messages from Louis.

Louis: Hey, Haz. How you feeling, love?
Louis: Just wanted to make sure you're okay
Louis: Sorry if I did anything to hurt or overwhelm you. Just want you happy :)

Harry looked at the messages with furrowed eyebrows. What was Louis talking about? He hadn't done any of that.

Harry: Hey, Lou. I'm well :)

Harry stared at the message and then deleted it.

Harry: Hey, Lou... I'm okay, kinda hit a rough patch today :( purged a little.
Harry: But I'm okay. Going to have extra snacks and fluids later. Had a talk with Liam + therapy tomorrow = stable Harry
Harry: Or at least semi stable... oh god I be rambling
Harry: But yeah you didn't upset/overwhelm me why do ya say that, Lou?

Harry's screen instantly flashed with a new message.

Louis: Omg. I'm sorry Haz. Proud of you for working through it and telling Liam.
Louis: let me know if you need anything, always here to help :)
Louis: Also, nothing it's silly

Harry raised an eyebrow as he typed his response.

Harry: Thanks, Love. Feeling better already with your support <3
Harry: hehe nothing is too silly tell Hazza
Louis: Welcome. And fineeee
Louis: I just wasn't sure if I shared too much about my past today
Louis: Like about my exes and all

Harry wasn't sure how to reply. It hadn't particularly bothered him. Hearing those experiences made him feel bad for Louis... and it made Louis seem a little bit less hero-like, a little less out of his league. It made him seem more human. Because it showed him that he wasn't the only damaged one in this relationship: Louis was hurting too.

Harry: No, Love. I'm glad you shared with me. Didn't know that about you
Harry: But i want to know everything the + and -
Harry: All da little things
Harry: haha but no really, Lou. I'm proud of you for opening up. We both need a little support :) and I'm here for ya

Harry bit his lip and waited for a response. Maybe that response was a bit too deep, a bit too clingy? What if Louis only wanted something casual and Harry was being way too forward and direct? Thank god Louis answered back quickly or else he would have gone crazy thinking of the possibilities.

Louis: aww hazza that's so sweet thank you
Louis: you're really special to me :)
Louis: see you sometime soon? Tomorrow maybe
Harry: have doctors tomorrow but can do the weekend if you want to do a real date
Harry: omg did I just say that. Eek
Louis: haha would love to do a real date
Louis: dinner?... or not... doesn't have to be food related
Harry: dinner of course! I'll manage don't you worry. We went on a restaurant trip with the rehab group and I'll Have you know I finished a three course meal - including breadsticks
Louis: incredible. Then it's a date? Saturday @6
Harry: it's a date Lou :D wear ur best panties ;)
Louis: now I'm gonna say "eek"

Harry closed his eyes, placing two hands on his settling stomach, and smiled to himself. "I'm going on a date with Louis Tomlinson," he said out loud, his raw throat burning a little as he spoke. A smile spread across his face and he got out of bed, jogging over to his closet to find something to wear on the date....