Let Me Show You How to Love Yourself (Larry Stylinson) ✅

Regret

The plane ride home was horrendous. No one spoke, and Louis somehow ended up in the middle seat between Zayn and Liam. Zayn had muttered something about how it would be best for him to sit there since he and Liam were taking a break.

That's what they were calling it at least. A break. A temporary situation. Something repairable. Because that's what it was, wasn't it? Zayn and Liam weren't so sure....

Louis was surprised to hear that Liam had called for the break -- before Zayn even got a chance to tell him about the cheating scandal. Apparently, their relationship had been in trouble for a while, and this whole injury incident was just the icing on a breakup cake... not that anyone baked cakes over breakups. Although, that could potentially be an article idea.

Regardless, Louis couldn't help but feel guilty and at least in part involved in the break. Because even if it wasn't because of him, he and Zayn had both cheated on their partners and that was pretty awful in it of itself.

Louis immediately felt nauseous as he thought about telling Harry what had happened.... as he thought about the disgusting act he had just committed a little less than 24 hours ago.

Wow. I am such a fucking hypocrite, he thought to himself. Here he was trying to protect Harry, but all he had done was betrayed him -- and in the worst possible way: by cheating on him with one of his best friends. It was so heartless and despicable that there was no way Harry was going to forgive him, or that he even deserved to be forgiven, for that matter.

Louis winced as his mind carried him back to yesterday's bathroom experience during flight. In his head, he replayed a blurry memory of Zayn thrusting into him forecefully, wracking his body with both pleasure and pain as he leaned over the toilet seat, his knuckles turning white as he gripped it tightly. He remembered moaning, loudly, as Zayn came inside him, filling him with his warm, white liquid. And he remembered coming himself a few seconds later into the toilet, as Zayn jumped off him and pulled up his pants like nothing had ever happened.

In the spur of the moment, Every second had been pure bliss. Invigorating, stimulating, electrifying.

But as soon as it was over, and he came down from the euphoric high, Louis looked at Zayn in horror, realizing the extent of the horrendous act he had just committed. As he walked back to his seat, he felt extremely guilty--dirty even, like his skin was crawling. He instantly regretted having sex with Zayn, instantly regretted cheating on Harry. And as he looked over the handsome, drugged out man next to him on the plane, he realized this may have single handedly been the biggest mistake of his life.

The worst part was that in the heat of the moment, Louis had actually cheated not even because of his attraction to Zayn, but because of his burning desire to hurt Harry, to get revenge on him. Zayn told him that Harry had sex with someone else shortly before him -- and that there weren't body issues keeping them apart, but attraction issues. And Louis had been dumb enough to actually believe him, which looking back was awfully ridiculous.

Even if it were true, even if Harry had been with someone else, it didn't necessarily mean that he wasn't attracted to Louis. But in that moment, all Louis could think about was all the other men who had felt the same exact way -- unattracted, unsatisfied, even grossed out by his body. And Louis was suddenly overcome with self-loathing and the desire to cause destruction, to get rid of that horrible, unshakable feeling that he wasn't good enough for Harry.

Not good enough for Harry? he had thought to himself. Well then maybe I'll be good enough for his best friend.

And closing his eyes, he let Zayn take control of his body, hoping that his thrusting hips could help him forget, even if it were for just a few minutes.

As Louis sat between Liam and Zayn, he closed his eyes and prayed that the three glasses of wine he had just chugged in the airport would start taking effect soon. He needed something, anything to deal with this disgusting mess he had created for himself.  He needed to escape.

His head reeling, Louis pulled a book out of his bag to distract himself. It was some dumb romantic novel about a young actress that he had picked up in customs. But when he cracked open the paper back, the only words Louis could read on the pages in front of him were:

"You're a cheater."

Sighing, Louis closed the book and leaned back in the chair, desperately trying to forget, but only remembering more about the destructive decisions he had just made.