Let Me Show You How to Love Yourself (Larry Stylinson) ✅

Anger

"Who are you rooting for, mate?" Niall asked Harry, pointing to the plasma screen with his index finger. The two boys were in Niall and Louis' apartment sitting on the couch watching a football game, an activity which Niall could only hope would be relaxing for Harry. "Hmm. I guess Cheshire," Harry said with a shrug, his mind floating elsewhere as he stared blankly at the tiny bodies running across the screen.

Wish I could be thin and fit like those players, Harry thought to himself, tugging at the tangled bracelet on his wrist. He and Niall had just finished lunch — sandwiches with salad and chips— and his stomach felt stuffed and irritated as he sat on the leather coach.

Wincing, Harry brought his knees to his chest and breathed deeply, trying to fight the urge to purge all over the couch. Part of Harry wished Louis could be here to help comfort him, help him keep his food down. Help him feel worthy of eating.  But another part of him wanted nothing to do with Louis. After all, Louis had just treated him like a helpless child, single handedly intervening in his best friend's life and not giving him a say in important decisions that concerned him.

"You okay mate?" Niall asked, watching Harry as he fidgeted uncomfortably in his awkward position. "Yeah. Just have to use the bathroom," Harry muttered, popping up and heading down the corridor. "Afraid I have to go with you, mate," Niall called, jumping off the couch and running after him.

Harry turned on his heel and faced Niall, sizing up the brunette boy. His arms were broader than Harry's, but Harry was much taller, and he figured he could overpower him through sheer size if he had to. "Please don't follow me in. I need my privacy," Harry said coolly, clenching his fists.

Niall shook his head fervently. Of all the things Louis had told him about taking care of Harry -- from helping to create portion sizes to soothing his anxiety-- Niall had found this one the most important. DON'T LET HIM IN THE BATHROOM ALONE.

"Honestly, Niall. I'm a grown adult. I'll just go home and use my own restroom," he said, turning down the hallway to exit the flat. Niall jogged over and blocked the door, standing in front of him with his arms crossed. "Harry, please. We were having a good time. Can't you stay?" Niall asked softly. "You know you're not supposed to purge Harry. I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable, but truly you didn't eat that much mate. I had two of those sandwiches and you only had one. And I feel like I could eat more..." Niall trailed off, watching as Harry's face turned red and he looked at the ceiling.

"Why does everyone have to treat me like a fucking child?" he asked, walking closer to Niall so that their faces were only a few inches apart, blue meeting green. "I'm not going to purge. Can't you trust me?" Niall shrugged. "If you have nothing to hide, show me I can trust you. Leave the door a crack open. Trust me, I won't be looking," Niall suggested with a weak smile.

"Fuck it. Just fuck it. I'll just wait until I get home later," Harry said, whirling around. This was the first time in a long time that he had unleashed his anger at someone. In rehab, he often sassed the nurses and doctors, yelling at them if they tried forcing him to do things he wasn't comfortable with. He fucking hated being locked up in a room all day, monitored by nurses, unable to even bathe himself without someone checking to see if he was purging. Now, he was finally free from rehab, but it felt like the same shit all over again, with Niall and Louis trying to control his every fucking move.

And that was something Harry would not tolerate. Supporting him was one thing. Louis helping Harry with his portions and talking out his problems was kind and helpful. Sharing their inner most feelings and securities? That was also helpful. But forcing Niall to put him on lockdown and not even let him use the bathroom? That was probably illegal let alone unethical. Harry was tired of being treated like a toddler by his friends and boyfriend, and now he was ready to speak up about it.

"Honestly, Niall. I appreciate what you're doing here. I really do. I know you think you're helping me, by preventing me from purging or whatever. But just so you know, I'm my own person. I'm not weak or fragile or whatever the fuck Louis made me out to be," Harry spat, his face filling with rage as he thought about how his boyfriend was trying to be his god damn mother. "I accepted Louis' support. I trusted him. But he's taken it too far. He can't make decisions for me -- he can't control me. And he certainly can't help me. I can fucking help myself."

Niall nodded slowly, unsure how to handle Harry's intense reaction. He knew he was in an irritable state and didn't want to shove more advice down his throat when he wasn't ready. "I... I understand," Niall said softly. Harry shook his head, his curls hitting his shoulders. "No, I really don't think you do, Niall. Because if you understood, you wouldn't be doing this. Okay? None of you would be doing this to me. I would be in Newcastle right now with Liam -- because that's my best friend in the world and he needs me and that's where I need to be. What would you do if someone decided for you that even though Louis was hurt, they would handle it and leave you out of the plan. Huh?" Harry's bright eyes dug into Niall's like laser beams, causing him to flinch backwards unintentionally.

"I would be pissed. Alright, Harry. You're right. Me and Louis fucked up. We weren't thinking," Niall admitted, his stomach tensing a bit as he thought of being unable to help Louis. "But you were thinking," Harry spat. "You were thinking I was an incapable, helpless little kid." Harry covered his hands with his face to prevent Niall from seeing the tears that were falling quietly onto the floor below him.

"Hey, it's okay," Niall cooed, scooting over to Harry. "That's not it. I know you think that's why. And honestly, we were a little worried it would be a lot for you to handle and that it would trigger some of your behaivors. We just want you healthy Harry. It's not about treating you like a child -- we just know how hard you've worked and don't want to mess up your progress. But you're right. WE should have asked you first."

Harry nodded, the anger in the pit of his stomach starting to simmer down a bit. "Thanks, Niall. I appreciate that apology," he said quietly, rubbing his eyes with his thumbs before he looked up at him. His face was blotchy and tearstained but Niall didn't care. He reached over and gave Harry a hug.

"Thanks," Niall replied, squeezing Harry's shoulders. "Sorry for flipping on you, Ni," Harry said quietly. "I'm just... well I just feel really angry right now. I don't like being controlled -- all they did was control my every move in rehab. And I really just want to make my own decisions. Honestly, you guys aren't always gonna be there to hold my hand or help me from purging. I'm gonna have to learn to stay healthy on my own."

Niall nodded, noting that Harry made a lot of sense. Growing up, Louis' parents had been responsible for Fizzy's recovery since she was a minor. But As an adult, Harry had to be able to sustain his recovery independently, not by relying on someone else to curb his behaviors. "Alright mate. Go use the loo. But please don't....you know..." he said. Harry raised an eyebrow at him, and then got up to use the bathroom, holding his chest high and feeling triumphant.

But Harry wasn't as strong as he thought he was.

As soon as he stepped in, he stuck his finger down his throat and tried to expel the contents of his churning stomach. But just as he felt the food resurfacing, ready to clink quietly into the toilet, he remembered what he had just told Niall about being independent, about not needing constant supervision. He took a deep breath and quickly removed it, opting to wash his face instead.