Let Me Show You How to Love Yourself (Larry Stylinson) ✅

Doctors

"Hey, Harry, how's it going today?" the nurse asked as she took his blood pressure. "Good," Harry murmured, standing up so she could take his height. Harry already knew the routine: vitals, blood pressure, height, weight. He never understood why they had to check his height because he was bloody 23 years old and his height clearly wasn't changing any time soon.

"Change into this and I'll be back," said the nurse, handing Harry a blue hospital gown after she recorded his height. Harry frowned at ugly, oversized gown. He was upset that he even had to be here doing this -- after months of vitals and weigh ins, he was absolutely sick of it. He just wished he could be healthy for good so he wouldn't have to come back here.

Harry removed his shirt quickly without a second thought. It was so much easier doing it when he was alone in a room with no mirrors than when he had someone next to him watching-- no one could see his body, not even him.

As he removed his pants, however, his eyes began to gravitate towards the silver paper towel dispenser and he felt a strong urge to body check. He knew he shouldn't -- they had pretty much forbid it in rehab. And since he 's been home, he's been trying to avoid mirrors. But now he just couldn't resist.

He stood in front of the metal surface and positioned his body in front of it, running his fingers over his torso which now felt soft and smooth rather than bony and rough. As soon as his eyes met his reflection, he heard a knock on the door, and instantly jumped backwards, grabbing the gown and shoving it on.

"Ready," he called, a bit too cheerfully. The nurse followed him in and motioned for him to get on the scale. Harry stepped on -- backwards, as he wasn't allowed to know his weight. He tried to look at the nurse's expression for some sort of insight, but her face was completely blank as she wrote the sacred number down on the white clipboard.

"Doctor will be with you in a bit," the nurse said, walking out of the room and closing the door. Harry removed the robe and tugged on his clothes, a black pair of jeans and a grey jumper, and then sat at the table to wait. He thought about his failed attempt to body check, and was sort of glad he hadn't done it. He was still desperately trying to come to terms with the weight gain—which he suspected was at least 30 pounds— and it was a horrible experience so far.

It was killing him inside because physically, he felt so much healthier and had much more energy to do things. His mind also felt less cloudy, less dominated by the disordered voice in his head. But he still hated his body. He hated the way his legs brushed together when he walked, the way his skinny jeans were actually skinny now and not baggy like they used to be. He hated how his jumpers fit snugly around the shoulders, and the way even after weeks of eating normally, his tummy stuck out after every meal, swollen from the bloating most recovering anorexics experience after refeeding.

"Hello, Harry," the doctor said, walking in and taking a seat across from him at the table. "I like your jumper. How are you today?" Harry smiled weakly. He knew this doctor, though he couldn't remember her name. She was rather tough, sometimes to the point that she made him cry. "I'm okay," he said quietly.

"Well, your blood pressure looks good. Vitals are great. But you're down one kilo," the doctor said with a frown. Harry internally started freaking out because this meant they would have to increase his calories. And he could hardly handle the current mealplan, let alone an increased one.

"Oh no," Harry said, trying to avoid eye contact. Part of him was genuinely happy he had managed to lose weight. "Why do you think that is, Harry?" she asked, clicking her pen. "Well, if I'm being honest, I had two purging incidents. But I followed my meal plan to the tee since I've been home. I just got really overwhelmed," he said, frowning at the floor.

"Well, thanks for admitting that. What caused you to purge?" she asked, trying to catch his eyes. "Body image has been really bad lately. I... people keep pointing out that I look so good, so much better. I know they're right, but my mine twists it around and I interpret as them calling me fatter," he replied, shyly looking  into the doctor's eyes. "And I don't know. I've hardly seen myself in the mirror. And there's this guy I like... he waited for me while I was in rehab. And I want so badly to get close to him, you know physically, but I just can't handle it...."

The doctor nodded, scribbling something in her notes. "Well, you seem very introspective Harry. And that's a good thing because a lot of patients wouldn't be able to pinpoint the exact problem. So it seems like your body image is making you feel bad about yourself, maybe out of control too. And you purged with the intention of losing weight... or with the intention of numbing the pain?"

Harry shrugged. "I... I guess both. Part of me didn't think I should be eating so much -- since I'm fatter. And another part of me is just so frustrated that I just wanted to do something, anything for relief," he said, nearly crying as he admitted his deepest thoughts to the doctor. He got up to grab a tissue, thinking to himself how badly he wished he didn't have to be here in the hospital right now.

"I understand. So there's two things I'm going to recommend you try, Harry. Remember what we went over about what to do before purging? Just wait for 10 seconds and take some deep breaths. And while you're taking those breaths, think of your recovery and why you're doing this. And if you need to, call or text someone. Okay?" she said. Harry nodded. He wasn't quite sure how effective that strategy was, but he figured it was worth a try.

"The second thing I'm going to ask you to do is a bit odd. But it might help. So body image is usually the hardest thing that patients here struggle with.. because their body heals faster than their mind. And so you end up not being able to register how you actually look because of your body dsymorphia," she said slowly. "So something that might help is looking at old pictures. Ones of you before you got ill. And ask yourself what you think of that. And then if you get brave, maybe take some photos of yourself now. It might appear different to you in picture form."

Harry nodded, making a mental note to do the part about the old photos but to definitely not do the part about taking current photos. "And Harry -- one more question. How is this relationship with this new guy affecting you? You said you wanted to get physical with him.. is he pushing you into sex?"

Harry giggled a bit at such a hilarious question. "No. Not at all... It's me. I really want to, well, get with him. I'm just not ready to show him body yet -- he's totally patient though," Harry said with a smirk. "But my everyone keeps asking if I'm ready to be in a relationship right now. I think that's crazy, right? I can make my own choices."

The doctor raised an eyebrow and shrugged, a bit taken aback by the question. "Well, I think right now you should focus on surrounding yourself with supportive people. Assuming he's as patient and supportive as you've told me he is, I think it's totally fine. But recovery should always be prioritized over everything. You got that right?" she responded, shifting in her seat.

Harry nodded, hoping the session would end soon so he could go literally anywhere but here. "Yup. I understand. We all set?" he asked quickly. "If you're all set, then I am too. Use those techniques and let me know how they worked out next week. You're still on track to get cleared for work next week, as long as you make next week a better one. The nutritionist will help you up your meal plan," she responded walking away.

Harry's eyes followed her as she closed the door, leaving him alone in the cold, sterile room.

A/N: Ah, sorry if this chapter was boring. It's kinda personal as I used to have to do this literally every week when I was younger and it was the worst experience in a lot of ways. I hope this gives an inside look to what Harry's going through— he's pretty self aware which is great. And it seems like he's motivated to get better as much as he can. For me body image was always the biggest thing holding back from recovery, and that's Harry's issue too. Moving forward, Harry and Lou will be going on their date.... but I'm not sure where to take this story next... I want to do some more fast forwards to the future so we can see what Harry is like further along in his recovery. Zouis is still lurking, kinda... we haven't heard from Zayn. So maybe there's gonna be a chapter on that ;) who knows.... I hope you like it so far! Thanks for reading