don't leave

Alena

(Alena POV)

"That was a very good poem you shared, I really enjoyed it;your talented." I blushed with a hint of embarrassment and relief. This perfect stranger had started conversation which to me was frightening because I hate getting to know people. The chance of me Becoming close with this boy was zero to none because in the case where that happened... I'd have to deal with the thoughts of him leaving and if he ever did leave. Well i'd be broken. And there We go again, i'm talking myself into getting worked up. All over what? An overwhelming fear that is ruining like life thanks to my disorder.

"Uh thank you .." I awkwardly looked down at my vans. That's something I do when I feel uncomfortable in most situations. You never know how much you can learn from a person just by their shoes. This boy wore very clean and very similar grey vans. Just by the neatness and colour of his shoes I could tell he was hurting but he never would admit it. Not to me, not to his parents or even to himself in the mirror. They were to neat like it was an obsession, but to me everything is obsession or devaluation. That's the hard part with having a mental illness. Mainly borderline personality disorder.. I've been a fighter for as long as I can remember and borderline personality disorder takes all of the love out of me. yet it puts it all back filling me up with an overwhelming love. The fears that come along with it ruin relationships with family, friends and any crushes I ever had. It makes me over paranoid and always on the look out for abandonment.

"Hey little girl
You'll never believe
There's a ghost inside of you
But it's hidden too deep
Hey little girl
You'll never imagine
When you get a little older
You'll get abandoned"
- hey little girl SophieMarie. B

this boy had something very special about him. he knew exactly what to say to keep me over involved but was it really possible to fall for someone you barely knew? the very attractive boy grabbed the door and opened it so i could walk out of the tightening darkish building before him. The hospital gave me all sorts of anxiety because of my last visits there which ended very poorly.

"so who are you Alena?" I glanced at him awkwardly concerned to how he got my name or even wanted to know more about me and my depressing blob of a person. " how'd you know my name?" i crosses my arms acting all tough and untouchable. he lifted his hand delicately to the top corner of my black t shirt where the half ripped name tag read " Alena" with a small sharpie smiley face beside it. "oh sorry i just get very paranoid.." i looked at the ground with embarrassment. he reached it to grab my arm and pulled me closer to him.

" I want you to know, your never alone. I know that's a very cliche thing to say and you may not believe it. because i don't half the time. but i know your special and i just met you. I know we were all here because we have our ups and downs but I think it would be cool to have each other's back." a small smile emerged from the corner of his lips makes me shiver with joy. the way his face scrunched up as a small chuckle rose from his throat was the cutest discovery my eyes have ever seen. "Thank you.. it means a lot. I know we may not understand each other, we all have different stories and struggles but it would be nice to have someone I can relate to." I started to wonder why this boy was sitting outside her recovery meeting instead of coming inside. my guess was he was too shy. I could be completely off but he just didn't seem like the type to admit pain or any kind.

He handed me his phone and i typed in my phone number. with a small shy smile i nodded and headed for my mother's small white sports car that was waiting for me in the same spot it was when she dropped me off. I knew this wouldn't be the last I saw of this boy because there was just something about him. i turned around to see him still standing at the curb and without hesitation i turned back around and ripped my name tag off and stuck it on him chest.
"I never got your name.." the boy brought back that cute smile and pulled a small white name tag that was crumpled slightly in his jean pockets. he placed it in my hand i spun back around and headed back to meet my mother.
i unfolded the paper in my hand to see the name 'Titus' written in cursive with tiny sketches of flowers and trees around it.
this brought a smile to my face because the drawings were really detailed and almost transported me to the small forest behind my house. "so how was it?" my mothers voice was sweet and up lifting which made me wriggle uncontrollably in the low seat. "it was alright." I let off a small fake smile enough to convince her i was no longer interested in conversation. i turned to look out of the tinted car window and Titus was gone. Something about that boy sparked a feeling in my gut that i couldn't ignore. i wanted to pursue it, but i couldn't figure out what "it" was exactly. Mother reached over and turned up the radio, an old song from my childhood came on and it brought back found memories of when i was happy, memories of when i use to want to throw myself into the brilliant colourful story books i read. The stories that binded the books together that use to take up most of the room on my bedroom floor. The stories filled me with false dreams and expectations. I was never ever going to be a beautiful princess with neat shiny hair that fell perfectly even in the breeze. I would never have a prince charming or a one and only. But something about that boy from the Mental health day drove the thought in my head. He reminded me of the prince's in my stories. But all of the things they taught me broke me. Once i grew up I realized the stories were misleading because everyone has to grow up unlike peter pan and i cannot soar around in the empty sky or play with the lost boys. Only because never land doesn't exist and I do not have happy endings.

" And she gave no fucks, not even one
and she lived happily ever after.
The end." -unknown