don't leave

Alena

(Alena's POV)

"But I'm a million different people from one day to the next"-bittersweet symphony the verve.

I had no idea why I had brought Titus into this, I barely knew the poor guy and I was showing him my true colours already. My breakdowns are scary and often take everything out of me, kicking me down into nothing. My chest clenches tight and every breath is a struggle. My eyes burn and tingle from the rush of tears that heavily streamed from my abused eyes. I had no way of calming or relaxing my muscles because I had worried myself into a panic attack. I clenched my fists digging my sharp black nails into the soft pale pink inner parts of the palm of my hands. it felt like my world was caving in around me and i had nothing to help claw my frightened self out of. I felt at peace with myself when he wrapped his arms around me pulling me in close enough to his chest so I could hear his heart beating. it was calming and comforting in a way because it reminded me i was still alive. Sometimes these break downs get so real that I don't even feel alive and I often feel disconnected with the world and every awful thing that's going on around me. The only thing that i was aware of that was real as of this moment was me and titus sitting together curled up beside each other on this park bench. As far as i was concerned no one else was here or even walking this earth it was just him and I. I liked thinking about that in my abused head. 'him and I" it gave me a flicker of hope within my upset stomach the kind of hope you held onto for dear life.

I looked up at titus tears gathering in pools around my eyes making it hard to see and foggy. I could make out his concerned face as he watched me carefully making sure I was safe with every movement and gesture I made. I really wish I could understand what he was thinking. I stared into his eyes hoping to see right there him and into his brain. Because it's my fault that he's here right now and not with his family on a monday night. on a school night...

" Look you scared me really bad tonight Alena.. I just need to know that your okay a hundred percent and that your telling me the truth." Titus's grip tightened around my waste as he spoke and I held onto every word that escaped his mouth. I didn't want this one to leave,I actually was starting to be very fond of his presence and his voice. But I knew deep down I cannot get attached to him because one day he will decide that I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough or even a good person to stay around. It's easier to avoid the abandonment before it happens. If you never get close enough with someone in the first place you'll never have to worry about getting hurt by them. Its a simple logic, manipulating them into staying with you also works but only to a certain extent. People can only take so much of your shit before they walk away. everyone has a breaking point and I don't want to get close enough to titus to push him to it. it's a constant battle in my head between the voices and myself. i wasn't even sure of who I was anyways. who is this person that I can so easily call "Myself" I think back to the day I met Titus and he told me to tell him more about 'Myself' how is it that I can share information I am not capable to give? If i'm not sure of my identity how and i'm sure of anything that's going on around me. but life's a balancing act. That's what my therapist had told me in our last visit. You cannot have happiness if you don't learn self love, and develop love for others. "Life's a balancing act" which was hard to understand because how was I suppose to learn to love someone else if I can't even love myself. the word love makes me sick my  my stomach it's a feeling that I never ever want to feel agin. Because the second I let that feeling creep up on my weak body, the moment I crash and burn.

titus tapping his fingers on the back of my hand snapped me out of my thoughts. "i'm fine..." I smiled up at him trying to not look into those mesmerizing eyes. "I know that's not true Alena.. and you don't have to be fake with me, I know your pain. I may not know what your going threw but I know I can help if you help me. I think your special." I shuttered at the comment he has made. I didn't want this boy helping me. because if we was helping me that means I'd have to risk falling in love with him even more than I already had and I cannot stand that feeling. It corners me into a position where I feel trapped and abandoned before the abandonment even happens. " I have a personality disorder.. it's impossible to help me. But thanks for the offer." and within those seconds that seemed to be minutes, he grabbed my hand and intertwined it with his. "I do not care what you have, Your still special to me." I let my head fall softly on his shoulder as we sat on the park bench holding hands for a few minutes. "i'm impossible to love.." I let the words that should have stayed in my head up my throat and out of my mouth.
"I'll prove that theory wrong."  Titus released my hand gently and grabbed my face in his hands. he pulled me close enough so our noses could touch. He pulled his lips to mine and I was too shocked and relieved to pull away. I just wanted to stay there forever. With my lips against his. Alone on this park bench with the sultry breeze blowing my hair around. Because here right now. I felt at peace.

"I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery—air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, "This is what it is to be happy."- The bell jar sylvia plath