French recipes: if you're not making this in Paris then what's the point. Fuck you
Italian recipes: use the left leg meat of a pig from one of three farms in this specific area of Tuscany, or from this day my grandmother will begin manifesting physically in your house
American recipes: buy these three cans of stuff and put them in a pan congrats you cooked
Chinese recipes, as handed down form mother to child: season it with a pinch of this and some of that. You want to know the exact amount? Feel it in your heart. Ask the stars. Yell into the void.
English recipes: boil and salt it. Okay that's it enjoy
Greek recipes: you followed all the right steps but this isn't quite right. I don't know what to tell you.
Australia recipes: chuck it on the Barbie
Latin recipes: you will never make it better abuela, face the facts
Indian recipes: there are 500 cuisines and that means 500 versions of this dish that has 500 spices so gl
Jewish recipes: no, no. No. More onion.
Internet recipes: here is a heartwarming story about my baby sister's third birthday that I completely made up, and a copy paste from Alton Brown.
Armenian recipes: spend eight days laboring over the stove. The food will be flavorful with the sacrifice of your sanity. No one will appreciate it.
Canadian recipes: it either needs more bacon, more maple syrup, more gravy, or an unholy combination of the three
Polish recipes: you have to toUCH THE DOUGH, FEEL THE PIEROGI IN YOUR HEART, TOUCH IT. LICK IT. SMELL IT.
Every time I see this post, I learn more about how different countries' cuisines AND neuroses
