Life as a Secret *lesbian Story*

46

*Demi's POV*

The day I flew out to New York for a preformance, meeting a few interviews and a photoshoot I had dropped Colby off at his Mimi's, letting Joe know so if he want's to see or talk to Colby, he can text my mom and not me.

Colby was still bringing up the whole "Meeting Sophie" thing, and I felt iffy about it.

I wanted to, to clear the air; I just couldn't bring enough guts up to do so.

Joe was somene I loved for years, ever since camp rock in 08, then we had a child in 2014 and to this day, I still love him. I'm still slightly in love with him even though I'm in love with Spencer.

I know it sounds weird to say, but I can't bring myself to not be in love with Joe. He was my first love, always will be. 

I can move on, and love someone else, but I'll always have those memories.

It still felt odd to me, knowing someone else is inlove with Joe.

I wasn't that I wanted him for myself, it was the feeling of having to share, what was mine.

He has been and always will be mine to a certain degree.

Knowing I had to share this man I had loved for years with someone else, made me want to physically throw up.

It felt nauseating that the man I loved, was never as in love with me as I was with him.

Sophie seems like a great girl, a perfect some may say . . . but to me . . . she was the girl getting everything I ever wanted as a teenager who was madly in love with the Jonas brother.

I was envious of her. I may not want him now, but I did at one point and being as selfish as I am, I want him to myself. 

I couldn't pin point exactly what it was, but I think having a son with Joe, being in love with the man . . . and then loosing him reminded me a lot of my father. Joe was the man figure in my life, and he left.

They always say girls pick guys just like their dads . . . Joe wasn't just like him but he was pretty damn similar. 

As I boarded the plane that afternoon, I thought about what it would be like . . . to meet the girl Joe is in love with. 

He met Spencer, not the way I would have liked but he did.

I found it really hard to wrap my head around the idea of Joe having another girlfriend, being in love with her and thinking she is the one he is going to marry some day.

She has all I ever wanted . . . and I was absolutely jealous for no reason. 

I was falling in love with Spencer . . . but she can never fulfill those empty spaces in my heart from where Joe left.

I remember the day he broke it off with me, I was 3 month's pregnant, being clingy as ever . . . which he use to not mind, he use to love cuddling with me, kissing me, being my boyfriend even through all the shit I went through . . . he still loved me. I remember his words to me, telling me how much I had fucked up his life, and I told him that making a baby was a two person job before he shook his head, saying the baby had nothing to do with any of what he was feeling towards me, making me really confused.

I asked him what he meant, and he told me that I had changed in every way possible, that I took away everything he had. I was way to attached.

I sobbed with him just leaving me to go to the store.

I had changed . . . and it changed his life.

I noticed he tended to get short with me, but I never put two and two together. 

Knowing your actions, messed up someone else's life and their feelings towards you, makes you want to scream.

I caused him to leave . . . because I way to attached and made his life a living hell.

Here Sophie was . . . being the perfect girlfriend he could have ever wished for, leaving me in the dust.

I felt fearful that one day, he is going to forget about me, and take his perfect skinny girlfriend and our son and leave me in his dust trail, making all of what I was just a cloudy memory.

I was fearful Colby would attach to her more then me . . . 

I was fearing that with Sophia being in the picture, everyone I loved would forget about me, and be happy without me. 

Sometimes I wondered if I ever really was happy, if I was content with how thing's were.

Yeah, I loved my son and my life . . . but I never understood what the meaning of happiness was.

I never knew if I was truly happy, because I do not simply understand the meaning of that word and what it is suppose to make me feel like.

I know I loved being with certain people and my life made me smile, and feel giddy inside, but I never knew if I ever reached that point, of being truly happy. 

I thought I was happy with Joe, but the feelings never returned.

 I was ecstatic when Colby was born, thinking how Joe and I had created a family together.

Being on my own, made me realize how much I really did depend on Joe, how attached I was.

It made me realize I had an unhealthily obsession with him, because he gave me the feeling of a man loving me, which I have never felt besides my stepfather and even that felt weird.  

I knew what I wanted with Joe and what I wanted with Spencer.

I was getting there with Spencer, but I was far away from the finish line with Joe.

I knew if I wanted to even start to make progress, I would need to meet the bitch that stole my man.

I just was so fucking terrified of all the scenarios racing through my head of what could happen, good and bad.

The feeling or fear and attachment is what was keeping me from wanting to meet the girl that makes him happy.

I know she is good for him, and good for Colby, I just didn't know if she was good for me and my mental health.

I knew I needed to go see my therapist again, knowing the feelings I have towards this situations are not healthy in any way shape or form.

I didn't know what I wanted to do, or how I wanted to do it . . . but I knew; deep down, it had to be done.

I had to meet Sophie . . . 

and be okay with it.

* * * *

I wrote this in under an hour, it's 11:46pm when I finished typing this

Updated question: what exactly is happiness? Does anyone know? Or is it just this thing with expectations?

Originally updated: 1 / 10 / 18 but didn't update properly so I republished it

Written on: 1 / 8 / 18

Published on: 1 / 11 / 18

Word Count: 1188