Camren One Shot Collection

[a/n] Here is where I'll post many of my one shots , if this gets a good response I'll post more , and hopefully write a proper fanfic

10 Months Of Waiting Now I'm Gone

Dear Lauren ,
I don't know how to start , is this love really worth it or not ? I want to know which one of us is the victim in this relationship . I waited for you in silence for 10 months , those 10 months were the most bittersweet months of my life , I cried in silence , I hurt in silence , I loved in silence , I felt in silence . Those 10 months I felt like I was someone finally , but that someone was for nothing and no one , that someone was meant to be hung on a shelf till they were needed , and then they'd be hung back . Inside I felt empty , like my feelings were worn out because they were used way too many times , but still I felt so much towards you , and that was the only thing I was feeling but did that feeling mean anything ? Did it mean anything at all to you ? Tell me ? Did it? If it did then why did you punch , kick , shoot it ? All of that pain , all of that hurt , do you feel any bit of it ? Did you ever stop and think about how it was fucking killing me while all I was trying to do was be enough for you ? But all that time you didn't once think about the pain I was going through , it's funny because all that I was thinking about is if you were okay , if you woke up with puffy bloodshot eyes because you fell asleep between your soul shaking sobs because your tears could never drown your thoughts and you could never out scream your demons , if the thought of me loving you made this a tiny bit easier , but no you cried , you cried about him , how he made you feel while I screamed trying lift my heart from the bottom of my stomach as it dropped because of how you speak to me with words and I look at you with feelings , how he's your ocean and I'm just a raindrop that can't shake your universe like he does , but no matter what I felt , and what I needed and how I fought so hard to live I never stopped thinking about your smile , and your hearty laugh , your powerful words that can make me dig myself six feet underground and you , I never stopped thinking about you ,that your name was the silhouette of my veins when I stared down at my aching wrist that wished to be slit open , with a screw and a sharpener on the floor by me and the blade in my hand thinking if this would do you any good . But all this time I wasn't sure if I loved you because they say if you love someone you would do anything to see them happy , but I would do anything to not see you happy without me because the thought itself of it makes me want to drown myself in my own blood and makes me want to carve my meaning of happiness on my heart which was you , and I needed you , but you weren't there , you didn't hold me close till the sun came out as my eyes portrayed ever word my demons screamed , while I held you close enough that you knew my heart was beating for you only . I covered up your wounds and tried my best to kiss them away when all you did to me was tear my wounds open and burn my skin where it has never been touched before . Yet I never stopped loving you , not once , not for a second , because loving you has become a habit , and this constant hurting is an effect , but I will never stop loving you , and that's a shame because all I can do is shut my eyes to stop the tears from falling instead of shutting you out for good and for life . As I close my eyes forever I want you to know that the first thing I see when my eyes shut is you , and the only thing I want to see when they're open is you .

-Camila