Above the Crimson Sky (Sequel to Beneath the Midnight Sky)

XXII. Things We Never Said

Two goldfish swam around merrily on the therapist desk as Louis swung his feet back and forth in his therapist office.

"Hello Louis, how has your week been?" She asked crossing her legs.

"You sure you're ready for this?" He asked sarcastically.

"You seem eager to talk today...should I be worried? Usually, I have to pull your teeth," she teased.

Louis shot her a cynical look. He cleared his throat and shifted around in his seat nervously, trying to recall the events that had happened. "Well, um, Harry asked me to move in with him not long after I go out of the hospital."

"That seems exciting," she beamed as she sat up in her chair with perfect posture.

"It scared the shit out of me. I told him no...." Louis looked down at his hands embarrassed. "I'm not ready to expose myself that much, you know? It was just too much..."

"And that is your prerogative. As long as you communicated your reasons with Harry in a healthy way..." the therapist hinted.

"Well I tried but as soon as I told him no, he blew up. You see he threw this big shindig and invited our friends and family. To him it was a big deal....but I just couldn't say yes. He had been dealing with drug use and when he asked me, he was high....and it mostly was about me, you know? I'm just not prepared and healthy enough for that." Louis breathed in, finishing his long explanation.

"I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself," she encouraged him.

"Thanks...but Harry didn't see it that way. He wanted to take a break...went over to my friends house.....and kissed my best-friend." Louis stared at the goldfish.

"That must have hurt your feelings....."

"Yeah, it did....but before my best-friend went over there, we almost kissed too...." Louis said blushing. "I know this whole thing sounds fucked up and it was....when my best-friend got back to tell me he had kissed Harry, I just sort of lost it for a minute." Louis explained.

"Lost it...what do you mean?" She questioned concerned.

"Lost all my faith in Harry. He was the one person who was supposed to never hurt me, always choose me, you know? But as soon as things get hard, he has proven time and time again that he'll just walk away. Zayn, though, he has always been here for me. He loves me, unconditionally." Louis smiled.

"You were in that relationship with Harry awhile...maybe you need time to collect your thoughts. Moving fast from relationship to the next is hardly ever healthy." The therapist enlightened.  "You're in a critical stage of your recovery, Louis. I'd hate to see you self-sabotage and backslide. It's been a past behavior of yours to self-destruct so you'll have a reason to relapse..." She raised an eyebrow at him.

"No, it's not like that. Remember my trauma I told you about, the one that made me have intimacy issues? Well last night, I let Zayn touch me...and I trusted him. I wasn't scared. It didn't trigger me." Louis bragged. "I think I really trust him. I touched him too. I initiated it, actually."

The therapist wrote something down on her notepad and then folded her hands together. "Being intimate with someone shows a lot of growth, Louis. Are you trying to give credit to your friend? Because from my point of view, you've put in a lot of work to get to a place where you can be vulnerable."

Louis bit his tongue, wanting to say something sassy. Instead he rubbed the constellation of love bites above his collarbone. "Maybe a bit of both. I really could see myself letting him be my first experience when I'm not...." He cleared his throat bashfully. "In control, as much. Harry always let me be the one to be in control... treated me like glass. Zayn tried that too but when I asked him not to, he didn't. He listened to me. I think I'm going to share with him apart of my body that I never have before with anyone else."