Dear Brother

25. Explanation

Dear brother,

                 I don't think you'll ever understand. I don't think anyone could understand, but maybe you could, if you tried, but I don't have high hopes, to be honest, alter bruder.

What our father did was disgusting. Everyone has seen that- even us, his own children, who are meant to love him unconditionally, and he us. But he didn't, and he never has.

I can't get why he did to those children out of my head. He hurt them in every single way possible, crushed their bodies and their innocence and their view on their own life. People can't live normally after that kind of abuse, can they? The worst bit is- we didn't know. I didn't notice a single thing, even when you said you didn't trust that woman dad fell in love with- I never listened.

She was just as bad as him, you know. She kept a girl in her cupboard for over a year and let her out to do washing and cleaning. The girl lived in disgusting conditions, much like the boy did, but at least she was let out. The boy was tortured and beaten and raped by our father, and I can't stand to think his blood runs through our bodies. It disgusts me, it makes me feel so sick that I thought maybe it would be better if I'm dead. People won't assume I'm like him then- everyone would see how truly sorry I am. I'm sorry dad did those things to those children, I'm sorry for the pain he caused, but I can't show that- there'll always be people who wouldn't believe me. Maybe if I killed myself people would see.

I made you angry, and I'm sorry for that to. I'm sorry for my whole life, because it had dad in it- I hate him so much. I want to hurt like those children did, because that could have been us being abused and not them. In a weird way, I wish it had been us. By what I gather, the boy was weak anyway, unable to cope with alot of things...imagine what dad did to him? I would have been stronger- I could have coped, and then I could have said it was my father who abused me, not my father abusing others.

Maybe he did love us- maybe he loved us by not abusing us. He used to hit mummy, and hurt her. He loved that other woman, who was nearly as evil as he was. She's jailed too- maybe they can both get what they deserve.

But I should be punished as well. I never even noticed what he was doing, how stupid am I? I don't deserve to live: I'm scared I'll turn out like him.

I'm sorry I caused you so much pain- I should have told you, I should have explained how I felt, but I didn't think I could, so i didn't and just left for the river. I though drowning would be easy- no noise and my body might be found later. I thought it would be peaceful, but it hurt Dale, and I'm sorry because i hurt you too. I never wanted to do that.

I hope you understand now, brother. I love you.

Cami xxxx