I'll Be Holding on to You

that's what friends are for

Cam grinned at us. "You guys look lit." His eyes lingered on our hands and I let go of hers. He looked at me with only a tiny bit of pity. "Keys, please."

I handed them over and got in with Evie. "Hi, Ariel," I said as if it were her real name. "Where's Flounder?"

"He's probably with Nemo," she said, yawning. She drove as well as the rest of us but disliked it and therefore avoided it when she could.

"Touche."

Erika was riding shotgun in the other car so we started back to my house.

"Was it fun?" Evie glanced at me. "You smell like liquor."

"Sorry," I said, wishing I had another cigarette. I rolled down the window a little.

"It's okay."

"Yeah, it was fun. Both of them are like, whoa." I turned up the heater and put my hands in front of the vents. I left the music low since we were talking.

"He used to come to our shows," she ventured, putting on the turn signal even though we were the only car on the road.

"Yeah." I could see the picture in my mind of him cheering with people. "Apparently he even knows some of our routines."

"That's strange. And cool." She paused for a few moments. "We're never going to dance again, are we." It wasn't even a question. Her voice was sad.

I leaned back and rested my head against the cool window. "No," I said. "Prob'ly not." I was suddenly profoundly tired.

"We got to do so much already," she mused, to herself or to us both, I wasn't sure. "But I still feel like we got cheated."

"Dude, of course we got fuckin' cheated," I said with a laugh not unlike Erika's lack-of-joy one. "I mean, across the board. There aren't even words for what's happened to us." But thank God or the universe or whoever that she hadn't been there that night. 

"I know," she said simply. She wiped under each eye with the knuckle of her index finger.

"I know you know," I said, trying for a light tone. Bitterness had risen up inside me, though. "Don't cry. We'll get you a new dinglehopper for your collection."

It worked and we arrived at my house. Everyone went in except me because my immediate plan was to have another cigarette. I sat on the porch and after a minute Mo came out. He sat by me and stole my smoke. "Hey," I said halfheartedly. The edges of my world were spinning a little.

"Good time?" He was trying hard not to laugh at me. I appreciated the gesture, futile as it was.

"Mostly," I said, leaning against him. "Freak's keyed."

"Oh yeah? Just Freak, huh."

"I might be a little inebriated," I allowed. "I watched our drinks the whole time," I said, a half-joking code for telling him we were careful.

"It sucks you h-have to." He handed the smoke back. "But you can't t-trust anyone."

"I know."

"Anyone that's not us," he amended. "Even if we kind of know them."

"I know, Moey," I said again.

"I wish you didn't," he said, the words deeply heartfelt. It was the closest we came to talking about Robbie.

"Evie made me sad in the car," I said to change the subject, not that it was much of an improvement.

"I shall have her drawn and quartered immediately."