I'll Be Holding on to You

wrong person

Later that night everyone was at their own house to put in an appearance with their fams and Cam was in bed with me. "How're you handling all this?" he asked, passing me the pipe.

"Uh." I took my hit and held it. "It's weird, and kind of awful, actually."

He laughed a little. His hair needed to be washed. Bowser was asleep on his chest, snoring little dog snores while his paws twitched occasionally. "And yet you're hoping it'll somehow get better instead of worse?"

I sighed. "I'm a fool."

He patted me gently on the arm. "I know." He smoked and passed the pipe and lighter back.

"But what am I supposed to do," I wanted to know. "I can't just sit around and wait for the magical day I wake up and am not madly in love with Freak anymore. I mean, fuck."

"I know," he said again, kindly. "It's not fair."

I gave him a look. He knew a lot more about life being unfair than I did, though he was right. "I mean, it's not up there on the grand scale of fucked up things, but it's on the list."

"There's a list to get on the grand scale?"

"Yes. It's a long list." I yawned and ashed the bowl.

"You like her better than Gage?"

"I don't think Gage likes her at all," I said on purpose.

"You know what I mean, smart ass." He pulled the covers up to his neck and sighed, almost contentedly. "Your new electric blanket is even better than the last one."

"I don't know," I said, not talking about the blanket. "But it doesn't really look like I get to make that decision."

"Dude. If you're interested in Gage, be interested in Gage. Freak will understand."

I looked at him skeptically in the near-dark. "You're high."

"I am, but that doesn't detract from my statement. Don't not date someone because Freak likes him too."

"I do like Mara," I protested.

He sighed again, hugely, this time at me. "You're totally going to do it, aren't you. You already are."

"I already am what?" I asked, trying to sound incredulous, though I knew damn well what he was talking about.

"Shut up, Dor. You know what I mean, and I know you know. You're just going to let Freak have Gage because that's the nice thing."

"Yeah, I'm super nice," I said with a smirk, but he was right and we did both know it. Though given the choice free and clear I still didn't know which one I would have picked.

"Duuude," he said again. "You get to be happy too."

I snorted. "Yeah, that hella works out for us, all the time."

He yawned. "Just don't invest your time in Mara if you'd rather it be Gage, you know? Your time is precious." It didn't sound dumb coming from him. "Probably fucked up to do to Mara, too," he added thoughtfully.

I hit him. "I wouldn't do that!" I sighed. "Not intentionally. I'm just tired of the whole thing and wish it'd never started at this point." It was true.

He rolled over onto his stomach, his head towards me. "It's okay to be afraid, bb."

I was way more than afraid. "The whole thing is just dumb," I said, fretfully. "It hurts my brain trying to think about it."

"Then go to sleep," he advised. "I am." His eyes were closed but he reached over and ran a hand over my face so I was forced to close my eyes.

"Stop it," I said, laughing. "Scratch my back."