I'll Be Holding on to You

it's a celebration

A week before Halloween the six of us were in my living room. It was a Tuesday night and business as usual; Erika with her crossword puzzle, Cam drawing on the floor, Evie and Freddy watching something on his phone, Moey reading. I sat at my computer, my Suicide Squad playlist on YouTube queued because I was trying to get into playing Harley Quinn for Halloween.

I didn't have Sucker for Pain on the list because with such lyrics as I wanna chain you up, I wanna tie you down, it was a little more than a trigger for me. My life was fun.

"Needs moar brownies," I said, stretching and leaning my chair back dangerously far.

"You know where the k-kitchen is," Mohammed put his two cents in.

"Thanks, Moey, I didn't know that I knew where the kitchen is." I stuck my tongue out at him. Purple Lamborghini came on and I turned it up a little so the bass would hit right. Then I went and grabbed the plate of mint brownies and brought back. "None for you, smart ass," I said to him, letting everyone else take one. He flipped me off while fake yawning to show how unimpressed he was.

"I love these so much," Evie said happily, biting carefully into one. She was dressed in some filmy layers of fairy something or other, a pale orange wig seasonally appropriate.

"They're really the best, the ganache is the thing," I agreed, sitting back down. "I guess you can have one," I allowed, giving Moey the plate.

"Thanks, I can have one of my own brownies? You're the best, Dory."

In the song playing, Rick Ross said, "Don't be begging for your life 'cause that's a lost cause."

Freddy snorted, muttering, "It was for Robbie."

Time stood still for a moment as that sunk in and we all looked at each other. Then we lost. Our. Shit.

My heart leapt into my throat as I realized what he'd said and I was out of my chair and he was looking at us in amazement and he was totally stunned and he said "You guys didn't even tell me about Robbie," but he didn't care and we were all hugging and screaming and jumping and freaking out. Most of us were happy crying, which trust me, didn't happen that often.

"I can't believe it," he said, several times. He had to sit down finally. He turned to Evie, settling next to him. "I'm so sorry I forgot you, I still can't believe it," he said, put his hands on her cheeks, and kissed her.

After we lost our minds a second time my parents came in to see what the ruckus was and we all celebrated. My mom had champagne and poured glasses and we celebrated what felt like the first thing since I could remember.

"When was the last time we celebrated something?" I asked aloud.

No one knew. "Shut up, downer," Freak nudged me, and I did.

******

I was outside smoking in the light rain the next day, alone because Moey was at work creating bakery wonders. 

Freddy came out and sat on the little wall next to me. It was dry because I'd dragged the big patio table with the orange umbrella in the middle of it over to cover me.

I surprised us both by hugging him, hard. I realized with a sinking feeling that I had been keeping my distance from him, mostly from the uncertainty of him not knowing about Robbie, and me not knowing how to tell him. I hadn't even realized it. But the sudden fall back into our comfort zone made it undeniable.