I'll Be Holding on to You

alive

When next I woke the sun was glaring and I sat up, looking around as I shielded my vision.

f"Mmm," I heard from the floor and it was Cam, drawing. He gave me a half assed two finger wave without turning around. "Alive, not bleeding."

I lay back down with relief, grabbed a bottle of water off the table, and drank half. It was noon. We were the only ones in the room. Then I remembered about Gage's dad but I wasn't sure if it was a dream. "Gage's dad?"

He shook his head. "Yeah, that was real. Poor bastard."

I didn't know if he meant Tom or Gage. "Fuck."

He closed the notebook and fit himself onto the couch with me so I was squished against it. He smelled like a puppy. "Freak's still with them. At Mara's. Believe it or not. Freddy and Evie went to get her. Moey's smoking on the porch."

"What happened to Tom?" I didn't remember.

He raised an eyebrow, his face three inches from mine. I was so used to him it barely seemed strange that his eyes were different colors. "They said you were faded."

"Yeah, go figure." I pushed him over so he lay on his back, barely fitting, and I stayed on my side, my cheek on his chest. It was more comfortable, but mostly I wanted to hear his heart beating.

"So he got some sort of infection, it went into sepsis. He didn't respond and his organs began to fail before they could halt it." He ran his hand over my hair.

Fucking lame. "How are you," I asked.

"Could be worse." He sighed. I held my wrist up so he could read it, though it was awkward to twist it like that. He tried to smile. "I know you know I couldn't help what I did," he said, his hand still on my head as he thought. "But I am sorry. You'll never have an idea how sorry I am to have done that to you." His voice broke. "Especially after you found . . . after what happened."

I put my arm across his stomach, hugging him. Bowser whined and pawed at his leg. "I know, Cammy. It wasn't something you did. It was something that happened to you, love."

His breath caught. He was crying openly, his hand now over his face. "I'd give anything if, if we could just have another chance."

"I know." I sat up and pulled him closer so I could hug him better.

"To help her."

"I know," I said again, helpless to help him. My own eyes filled. I tried to take deep breaths so he would emulate it and not get too upset.

He shook with the grief. "I just feel like I'll probably just die anyway from it sometimes," he confessed, which of course I knew. Of course I knew. "Like right now."

"Yep," I said, holding him, which was all I could do.

"It's not supposed to be like this," he whispered, in an attempt to explain.

"You're trying to tell me what's in my heart," I told him gently. My tears dripped into his not-Hadley-cut hair and it killed me too.

The front door opened and then the twins appeared, followed by Freddy and Evie, who were holding hands; a fact I put away for a time when such things mattered again.

Freak looked wrecked, and mildly alarmed at us. I shook my head like, nothing new. "You okay?" I asked, the question of the hour.

"Fuck no," she said, sitting at my feet.

Cam pulled away, using his shirt to wipe his face. His ribs showed but he weighed ten pounds more than he had the year before.

Evie sat on the bean bag chair and beckoned to him. He unhesitatingly went to her and Bowser followed. She was wearing all gray, from her wig to her makeup to her dress, which is how we all felt.