Big Ugly Story Starters

Will and Ian Bunnymen 3

The phone didn't ring once all weekend. I think I was expecting something else, I thought he'd call me after a couple of days, asking me if I'm still in the band, if it was just a temporary break while I had to recover - I figured, even if he's not really interested in talking to me, he would at least be interested in the future of the band which I'm a part of. He would need my songs to build his guitar parts around, that's when we always worked best - together. It's the only way I don't feel completely disposable to him - I'm not into motorcycles the way he, Pete and Les all are, or into remote-controlled cars like him and Les, and there's only so much I could entertain Will with my drinking and banter if it isn't leading me back in the direction of creativity. I think it's the one thing he respects about me, I give a poetic dimension to his sound, I complete something for him that would be missing while I'm gone.

Maybe that's the thing, all the bevving and doing drugs is leading me nowhere at the moment, and as for needing time to recover - I'm not sure what it means, recovering. I feel like there isn't anything I can do except shut down all of my emotions, and hope it goes away. I just need to feel happy again, even if I can't bring my father back, and I can't bring the Bunnymen back to the way it used to be. Isn't it what they refer to as 'Nothing left to lose'? I'd already lost everything, well - nearly everything - I still have Lorraine and Candy to think of, and I need to feel OK for them too.

Did Will understand that I couldn't come apart with him being there, that I was getting tired of letting everyone down all the time? That I only let myself cry onstage since we'd talked about it being my last time I walked on stage, and I won't have to answer to anyone afterwards? Maybe I'd just let him down again, maybe he *knew* I was deliberately pushing him off, maybe that's why he couldn't call me all weekend, I was just being a shitty mate.