she hears the words
"you have to be skinny to be pretty."
bullshit, she thinks.
she sees the posts
"being skinny is beautiful"
so what, she thinks.
she finds tweets
"skinny girls are winning"
so am i, she thinks.
she hears conversations
"skinny girls are more attractive"
maybe they are, she thinks.
"going on a diet wont hurt"
she begins to say.
"sticking my fingers down my throat wont hurt"
she begins to say.
she loses weight but
"its not enough."
"i need to lose more."
she tells the deranged image staring back at her through the mirror.
she cuts her meals in half.
no longer knowing what a full stomach feels of.
she pushes her fingers down her throat more than once a day.
soon forgetting what a day is like without the acidity running up her throat into the ceramic bowl.
more pounds are lost.
"its not enough. i need to lose more.
i'm. no. longer. pretty."
she doesnt eat now.
she throws away her meals.
she doesnt stop throwing up.
its 'normal' now.
she begins to work out now.
she eats a granola bar
excessively working out to burn its 100 calorie content.
"it has to work"
she begins to believe she's not enough.
"im not pretty enough"
"im not skinny enough"
"im not doing enough"
"im not losing enough"
"im not enough anymore"
she begins to lose her mind as she loses more pounds.
nothing is enough for her.
her mind has slipped into
the state of depression and eating disorders.
she slips into the world of suicidal thoughts.
a new plan every night -
maybe it will be drugs,
rope,
a knife,
a car,
or maybe even a jump.
her mind is eating away her small thoughts opposing the dark ones.
her soul is eaten away by the gods of eating disorders.
her skin is thin and delicate.
her bones are not strong,
as weak as a baby's.
her eyes are weary, from the constant tear-filled nights.
her body is skinny,
too fucking skinny.
she can ask herself many questions along the lines of "should i do more of this?"
"should i have realized sooner?"
"should i die tonight?"
yet the question staring her straight in her eyes is the one question she needs to answer
"when will it end?"
-m
