i started to wonder
after no longer being able to hide it.
surrounding myself with people.
happy, laughing, smiling.
enjoying life for what life entails that should be enjoyed,
making memories of their youth, vibrant and vivid.
while i stand numb in the crowd.
laughing when i see fit,
when my sadness allows me to feel for a few seconds.
snapped back into my pit of darkness wallowing in my throat.
pushing tear after tear,
scream after grotesque scream.
while i stand numb in the crowd.
smiling at my beautiful friends who's futures i know are so exceptionally bright.
appreciating the good wrapped around me like the gentle arms of a mothers love,
when my sadness allows me to remember for a few seconds.
before im slapped back into the panicky ultimatums in my head.
thought after thought,
the desire to run away from this one way street of an evil emptiness i lay my head in.
i want to be
i want to be me
i want to be me for
i want -
i want to not
i want to not be
i want to not be alive
i want -
-m
