im sorry you found out.
i tried so hard to keep it a secret,
to keep the screams of agony and pain a silent hush of no more than a whisper.
to keep the mental spiral and unstoppable hurricane no more than an act of looking busy.
to keep the calculator in my head, despite being bad at math, from adding up every little thing i consume, down to the gum that i chew til it becomes rubbery and foreign between my teeth.
im sorry you found out.
that your sister cannot handle life without crying every night.
that your "role model" is nothing but a weak wreck, wincing at every point of distress.
i am sorry for being undependable, especially when i randomly scream at the sight of myself,
or when mom and dad forget that if i am alone i will spend the entire wallowing, in my own self hatred, creating lists and lists of
entrenched things
about myself that make me
leer at my own reflection.
im sorry mom, for not being the bright little baby girl who has grown to be a beautiful butterfly.
for instead, the wings i wear are torn and crippled, bruised and irreplaceable.
im sorry dad, for not being the fun daughter who you can hug, hug and spend time with without getting into arguments.
for instead, the words that come out of my mouth are bland, careful to avoid ticking your trigger.
im sorry my depression gets mixed up with being mad.
im sorry my anxiety gets mixed up with being rude, defensive, silent.
im sorry that the shadow that lurks above me, hopeful and eager to take the life out of me, is constantly pulling me in every direction until my limbs give in to the dark, slowly melting into a mold of myself.
im sorry that this mold breaks and the screams you hear are me trying to get out of the chains that too often cut my wrists and the skin it makes contact with.
im sorry you have to know me like this.
im sorry you have to deal with me.
im sorry.
-m
