i am sad because
i dont know why i am sad.
ironically speaking,
i have found multiple reasons i could blame my sadness on.
but this special sadness,
is unique to its own brand.
i am sad because
i cannot figure out which combination of plays commenced by the demons in my head
that are making me itch my
supposed strong skin.
you're so strong, malia.
see,
the really fucked up thing is is that i am not.
strong.
the second definition,
means able to withstand great force or pressure.
you see,
i'm really not strong.
if i had a dollar for every time i've broken
at the hands of such force or pressure
of events of every day life to
events so extremely impactful that
they change the way my eyes zoom
from normal
to deciphering each and
every possible motive of one's actions,
i'd be fucking rich.
trying to understand what
they felt in that moment
to justify their choice to disregard me,
discounting my opinion
and more importantly
my voice.
everything haunts me.
the memories of the what if's.
the memories of the what happened.
the memories of the knife digging in,
freshly pouring a stream of memory-ridden,
angry and resentful blood.
blood that drips from every open wound
left uncared for on my body.
i am sad because
i have lost my voice in the combustion
of the plethora of bad things
that have happened to me.
wallowing in self pity,
i attempt to preserve
any self respect and self esteem left,
by ironically-
committing to never allowing my hopes to get higher than what i know honestly know will occur.
see, my hopes a string of popcorn on the christmas tree.
my christmas tree doesn't have a fucking string of popcorn wrapped around it.
christmas.
christmas means winter.
sunshine and swimming means summer.
thanksgiving means fall.
allergies from pretty flowers means spring.
i wonder if people know how much seasons trigger me.
i wonder if people know how much the memories of each season can trigger
a lifetime imbalance of nostalgia
that haunts me as i try to sink into my
wrinkled sheets,
letting my tears become stains.
mark my sadness, i say.
because seasons mark my sadness
and the tears strewn as a result must
account for the significance and sincerity
of my sadness.
see, seasons are so specifically
connected to scattered and sloppy phenomenons,
that the change of the season
brings me to resonate and remember the past.
and i know,
don't dwell in the past malia!
for it just can't be changed.
for i do not live in a world where humans
can travel back in time to unfuck the world,
for christ's sake this isn't endgame.
this is a real life battle against the horrors shapeshifting into what i dont see coming.
this is a real battle against the migrating birds attempting to make a home in my brain,
and no offense to birds,
but i hate birds.
the sounds in my head so redundant and abundant,
reminding me that i will never escape
the constant pain these sounds trigger.
trigger!
trigger warning!
i didn't understand trigger warnings until my life became so full of them.
everything in my memory slaps a fat red label,
deeming a trigger warning!
i didn't understand trigger warnings until i started driving in a car alone,
completely silent,
except not at all silent,
as white noise is occupied by
the sniffles of my sobs
and the blasting music i use to fill the heartbroken
void encapsulated in my heart,
a void so large that the milky way may not even be able to fill it.
i didn't understand trigger warnings until the sound of your name immediately sparked emotions i,
so powerfully,
have discovered are within me.
for every time i hear the footsteps or the waves of your voice,
your hypocritical laugh,
your incapability to be empathetic,
your capability of being apathetic,
i am reminded of broken trust
and chances i wish i would have never given.
see,
sometimes i wonder if i am just too nice.
walked all over until i speak out loud
the snide and snarky remarks i make in my head,
in response to mean people.
and then i condemn myself for speaking out loud because why did i say something to
someone who will just
turn my remark into a pretzel,
create their own flavor and title,
and spread it to anyone who will give them time,
about the hardships they faced to create this pretzel.
as a representation of overcoming people in their life that inspired them to fuck hate and
create a lie, summoning the sympathetic and unaware of all sides of the pretzel.
yes,
this pretzel is the twisted version of my side of the story.
i didn't understand trigger warnings until i counted how many times i saw a person in a day.
or how many times i counted the times that i couldve seen that person in a day.
or how many times i counted the possible situations,
that i so desperately hope are being carried out in a parallel universe that is
so different than the one i am stuck in.
i didn't understand trigger warnings until i embedded bad thing after another into seasons.
hell,
most of this year is a god damn blur!
all i can remember is the way your breath took 53 seconds to come back,
only to never come back,
only to never come back to me for another 53 seconds,
how much i would give for something so simple as 53 seconds with you.
that day,
out of all days this year,
is beautifully vivid,
like a video marked with the date february 6 2019.
the sobs at your bedside as we welcomed your angels into the room.
encouraging you that it is okay,
to leave this world and
find peace and serenity.
the sobs at your bedside as we resented your angels in the room.
because,
in reality,
none of us were ready for you to leave us.
i held onto you like
one holds onto air during a viscous asthma attack.
the sobs at your bedside as your angels carried your spirit to where you truly belonged.
away from the annoying hum of your vitals.
away from the pain of the dialysis you never wanted.
away from the disgusting hospital food and insomnia as you reached out to my mother for her hand at her bedside.
the sobs at your bedside when you left,
when the mortuary came and swept you away,
taking every ounce of courage from me away as well.
the sobs at your bedside,
screaming,
i grab whatever i can on the sheets you laid upon,
wanting so desperately to sink in to the bed and meet you again.
you see, i didn't understand trigger warnings until i woke up to one.
until i realized life itself is the biggest trigger warning.
-m
