Being with TABBY was different than past relationships, but maybe not much.
With all the time I had on my hands, I found myself reflecting more.Reflecting about intimate relationships. The more I thought about the women in my life, the more I was thinking, maybe I wasn't so shitty.Then I got really confused – thinking too much, just talking to myself – and since there wasn't anything to do all day, except sleep, rearrange furniture, prepare for the evening, and play on the computer, I decided to try to write it out, because what I really needed to do was talk someone, but the only person I could talk to was Tabby, which meant no.
I thought about joining one of those online chat communities, but when I investigated them, they seemed to be full of idiots who didn't even seem to be real. It got thinking about what makes a real person.I decided a real person wants something, wants something more than just wasting time and getting attention, like the people in the chat rooms were doing. I came across the free dating sites. These places seemed more real. The ladies on these sites were trying to get something real, a real man, even though they were also deluded with their own nonsense and fantasies about what a real man was. I created a profile for myself on this site called Good Penguin, and in myprofile I wrote about every girlfriend I could remember. I just wrote about what happened. I didn't insert opinions, or take aways, or theories or anything.
The reactions from the few women who read my work were uniformly baffled and displeased, and felt very honest. It didn't matter. It didn't matter what sort of response I got, just putting things out there in this sort of space, made me feel like I could look at myself without distortion. It felt good, made me feel like, despite my decisions being guided by my fears concerning Johnny Bobo, I was still human, and not a complete fuck up.
I was able to recall intimate relationships with at least forty-four women, which blew my mind. For years I'd thought I'd capped out at seven or eight. I think it really shows how a person's circumstance can affect what they know and what they think they know.
The project took several months because I'm not a fast typer, and writing has never been something that has come naturally to me. It was intense. Every afternoon when I finished my latest entry and hit SAVE, I felt that cathartic thing past therapists had often squawked about. I think even Tabby picked up on this, or maybe not. Probably not...
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THE DOG HUNTERS (completed)
Fiksi UmumA suicidal homeless weirdo has adventures. He runs into a duo of dog lovers, who spend their days traveling around the city observing and honoring dogs. Wisdom cannot be run away from. He escapes paradise and falls in love with a strange lady who m...
