No trace of tears could be found in Evan's eyes, nor was sadness evident in his mind. He was completely empty. He had no doubt that he was ready for what he was going to do, and nothing was stopping him. For every reason he found to stay, there were five reasons for him to leave. Trying to talk himself out of it was pointless. He wanted this.
He stared at the bottle in his hands. Jumping from a tree didn't work, so he figured he'd explore his options. He set the bottle on his desk as he ripped a piece of paper from the back of a random notebook and dug around for a pen.
Dear Evan Hansen,
Nobody else understands me. What's worse is, nobody else wants to try. You're the best friend I have.
Or, let's face it: the only friend I have. It's just you and me here, so let's be honest with ourselves. Because why not, right?
Mom didn't want me. Dad didn't want to stay. Mom got stuck with me. Mom had to deal with me. Dad got to start over. Why didn't we get to start over? Nobody let us start over. Why does nobody ever let you start over? Why can't I start over? I want to start over so badly, I want to be somebody new, but I look in the mirror and, big surprise, it's still the same old me.
Everybody else has a family. I just have parents. Everybody else has a home. I just have a house. A lonely little house, with a lonely little bed, and the carpets have smelled weird since the day we moved in. Everybody else has dreams. I just have setbacks. Everybody else has a network. I just have Facebook. Everybody else has connections. I just have collisions.
And then there's Connor. Like, all my hope is pinned on Connor. Like, everything I am is invested in Connor. Like, my entire existence is wrapped up in Connor. Like, everything would be ok if only there were Connor. Who I don't even know and who doesn't know me. But I feel like if I knew him, I could love him. And I feel like if he knew me...
Who am I kidding? Let's be honest with ourselves. Let's just try to be honest with ourselves.
Never going to happen. Connor doesn't care. Does anybody even care? If I disappear tomorrow, nobody's going to care.
They don't even know my name.
I'm giving up. I'm giving in. I'm not fighting it anymore. Nothing changes. It doesn't get better. It doesn't get easier. You don't get any wiser. You just get older. Your skin gets thinner. Your nerve gets weaker. Your feelings get hurt enough times that you'd rather not feel anymore. You give up. I give up.
I give up. Once and for all, I give up.
Sincerely,
Me
Evan reread the note a few times as his chest tightened. The words he wrote didn't hurt. It was the fact that he believed those words. He took every pill, one by one, counting each grey oblong pill he swallowed. One, two, three, twenty-four, twenty-five, forty, fifty. Empty.
He looked at the empty pill bottle in his hand, feeling more empty than the orange container he held as he watched it fill with his tears. Dizziness and vertigo consumed him. His breathing was heavy, he was sweating more than before, and his stomach ached until everything stopped at once. Darkness. Silence. Nothingness.
Not long after, Heidi got a call from Evan's school saying he wasn't in class. Fuming, she stormed out of the hospital and drove home, ready to raise hell for his irresponsibility. She yelled his name as soon as she opened the door, immediately noticing that the atmosphere in the house seemed off. The anger faded to worry as she opened Evan's door, seeing him unconscious at his desk.
He's asleep, Heidi thought to herself, he fell asleep getting ready. She lightly shook her son's shoulder as a bottle fell from his lap. Chills instantaneously shot up her spine as she noticed the paper Evan had fallen asleep on. She dialed 911 and shoved the paper in her purse as she tried to carry her son downstairs, awaiting an ambulance.
•••
"Connor Murphy, Jared Kleinman to the principal's office," an announcement roared over the intercom. The boys were in the same class, so Connor stood and waited for Jared so they could decipher what was happening. They had never actually spoken, and they only thing they had in Connor was Evan, not that either of them noticed this at the time. They sat in the principal's office for about three minutes until Heidi rushed in from the bathroom holding tissue to her face.
Connor stood from his seat quickly. Evan wasn't at school, and he didn't answer any of his messages. Connor went over nearly every scenario, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Nothing could prepare him for the words he was about to hear.
"Mrs. Hansen?" Connor spoke, shakily, "Is everything okay? Is Evan okay?"
"Evan is in the hospital," she choked out, "You two were the only people he talked about. I f-figured you should know."
"What happened?" Jared asked quietly as if he already knew but was trying to convince himself that there were other possibilities. Heidi choked out a sob as she pulled the paper from her purse and handed it to Jared as Connor read over his shoulder.
"It's my fault," Connor whispered as Heidi disappeared back into the bathroom, "This is all my fault."
"Connor, no," Jared said, tears rolling down his cheek, "Do not start with that."
"It's right there, in his fucking handwriting, Kleinman! 'Everything would be ok if only there was Connor?' That obviously means that I wasn't there when he needed me. I got pissed over something as small as him liking my sister because I wanted it to be me."
Connor sat and rested his head on his knees, locking his hands behind it letting out low sobs every few seconds. Jared shot up from his sitting position when Heidi exited the bathroom, "When can we see him?"
"The doctors s-said three o' clock," she checked her watch, "He definitely won't b-be awake, though, s-so be prepared for that."
