forever + always

Chapter 4

After the mall Rachel dropped me off at my place because I told her I needed some studying to do but in reality, I need to just sit in my room and blast my music to forget about all my problems for even a little while. So much has happened in the last couple of days and I just need to calm down.

When I get to my room I peel off my sweaty clothes and change into my basketball shorts my green sports bra and my black tank top. I throw my hair in a high pony tail and grab my phone and plug it in my dock and press shuffle on Pandora.

I grab my notebook and a pen from my desk, and sit cross legged on my bed. I bite my lip trying to think of something to write about.

I never told anyone but I love to write poetry or short stories. Most of which are depressing and that is why I have to go to a therapist every Thursday. C'mon now if you thought my life was full of rainbows and butterflies than man you're pretty slow. My parents are never around, my brother never visits and he was my protector and now he's gone. I only have two friends, I'm considered a freak and a slut on a daily basis.

So yeah, no. My life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. It actually kind of sucks. All I have is my music and my notebook for my safe haven. And now, with today with the whole Sara thing can't imagine what my life is going to be. She's going to make my life a living hell that's for sure. Yay me. Do you note the sarcasm 'cause it's there.

I already have enough on my plate already.

Ugh.

As soon as my pen hits the paper my thoughts are gone. The words just flow in my bubbly handwriting across the page in a haste fashion. All my thoughts are transferred from my dark mind to this pure paper.

The product is done.

The pain is almost unbearable, it slowly kills me in a way. The faces of all who judge and all that hate flash in my mind. My eyes shift to the blades to the pills, back and forth, wondering if anyone would care if I'm gone. Then I fall and voices fill my head tearing me apart. "don't leave." Rachel's faces pops out in the darkness in white smoke filling around me. Ryan's face fills my eyes now. His smile stretches the room out. His arms inviting. But before I'm able to join him I'm backing out of the room leaving the pills and blade behind, for I will continue my life.

For now that is.

I have to say, I think that's the best I've ever written.

I close my notebook putting it back behind my dresser and put my pen on my desk. I lay down on my bed staring up at the ceiling. My phone dings making me break from my daze. I lazily roll over pulling my phone from my dock putting on the radio instead.

Ryan's name flashes on my screen and a small smile creeps onto my face. I unlock my phone opening the message.

Ryan: Hey babe. How are you doing?

My stomach springs with butterflies at just the thought of him.

Me: Hey, I'm alright I guess. I mean I shot a guy in the nuts in paintball and I stood up to the School's b*tch at the mall today. Sooo I guess it's all good.

Ryan: XD Nice! I wish I was there to have seen both of those. Well I wish I was there anyway but you know what I mean.

Me: Haha yeah, I wish you were here to but you can't and I guess it's alright.

Ryan: Thanks for faking that. It's not alright I want to be able to actually hold you and not just talk about it. I've been trying to save or even convince my parents to even let me go to America but so far it's been no use and I'm so sorry about that.