september 24th, 2010
ages; 16
somewhere in august, ashton just got really, well, i guess sad could be used to describe it.
he started wearing darker clothes and he lost a lot of weight and his hoodies were always loose - not to mention that he wore them even on hot days. over the summer he'd always reject my requests to go out with him for a date to the point of where i had to go to his house.
oh, yeah. ashton and i were sort of dating. it wasn't a big deal. we really, really liked each other and according to our parents, 'it was bound to happen anyway'. ash was a way better boyfriend than i'd have thought.
i broke up with luke that same week that ash and i made up, but we became good friends when he finally got to high school, no hard feelings (i hope!).
michael one time ran into luke singing in the shower and thought he was amazing, and he played guitar. calum played bass. they actually started an adorable little band called 5 seconds of summer. they posted videos on luke's youtube channel called hemmo1996. i had to be their number one fan.
ashton started drumming when he was around nine, i think? i suggested that he join the band as a drummer, but he dismissed the idea. that was around the time that he started acting different.
so one day when i went over to his house because he rejected my movie idea, i smiled at his mum on the way in. my hands were full of snacks and candies, and i pulled some films off the shelf in the living room before heading up to his room. it was a surprise pop in, so he didn't expect me.
"ash!" i called through his bedroom door.
there was a cuss word before a loud bang and then some muffled shuffling around. i knocked and frowned. the door opened just a crack and his face filled with an unknown expression when he saw it was me. "why didn't you tell me you were coming," he asked blankly.
i shrugged, trying to push the door open to go in. he didn't let it happen. "i wanted to surprise you."
"well, don't."
my heart pounded in my chest as i nodded, backing away slightly. he just stared at me, no signs of him letting me in evident. "i'll just go home then," i said quietly, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. i pulled out the small toblerone chocolate bar i'd bought him and handed it to him. he reached out and took it, but i think- "is that blood?"
it was. his wrist had blood on it and i snapped my gaze to his face, searching for a reason why there'd be blood on his wrist. "y-yeah," he gulped. "i ran into the corner of my dresser and now it won't stop bleeding."
i don't believe him, but i go with it, because i have no reason not to. he's my boyfriend, after all. i stepped forward to kiss him but he flinched away, and that's when i knew things weren't the same. i felt tears well in my eyes and my chest physically hurt. i couldn't speak, so i just dropped everything on the floor and stared at him for a sec, before storming out of his house.
october 1st, 2010
ages; 16
i hadn't spoken to ashton in a week, and he'd made no effort to change that.
dad had arranged this little barbecue and ash and his mum were invited, as well as his little siblings. i wasn't sure if ashton would even come, god knows he'd been holed up in his room for so long.
i was setting out the paper plates and plastic utensils when the doorbell rang. i licked my lips before getting the door - my parents were still setting up. it was the irwins. i gave ms. irwin a hug, as well as little harry and lauren. i ignored ashton. i lead the family to the backyard and found my dad at the grill, scraping and cleaning it. he smiled and hugged ms. irwin, and gave the kids high fives, offering one to ashton, but he just stared at dad.
mum immediately dropped the remaining sodas into the cooler and ran over to ms. irwin to talk about whatever.
lauren tugged on my sleeve. "will you paint my nails, maely?" she asked shyly and i smiled, nodding and taking her hand. we walked past ash with harry coming just for the hell of it, i guess.
i couldn't shake the expression on my boyfriend (if he even was anymore)'s face. he looked so hurt and pained and sad. there were dark circles under his eyes and his lips were chapped and he looked so skinny. his curls flopped lazily over his head as if he wouldn't put any effort in his appearance anymore.
lauren picked out what nail polish she wanted from my room and harry played some kind of war game with my excess stuffed animals that i'd kept under my bed. i sat laur down on the floor and began to clean the old nail polish off.
"ashton cries a lot," she said aloud, and i stopped. "and he always cries to mum about how you don't love him anymore."
i frown and begin to paint her nails with the shade of pink she chose. "do you know why he's always so sad?" i asked, and she went quiet when ashton, himself, walked through my door. our eyes met and he looked away quickly, sitting on my bed. "i think your nails look really pretty."
she beamed at me, just before i heard ms. irwin yelling for lauren and harry to go down to the backyard. i leaned back on my wrists as i watched them leave, cleaning up the nail polish.
"i love you," ash blurted.
i looked up and blushed, putting the stuff away and sitting at the head of my bed, sliding under the covers. i reached up and took his hand, tugging him to come under with me. he slid next to where where his body fit perfectly. i laid a hand on his cheek and ran my fingers through his hair. "and i love you," i whispered.
he sighed and closed his eyes. "would you trust me with your life?" it takes me by surprise but i nod. "just... i guess i have to tell you something, er, show you something."
i watched wordlessly as he took the end of his sleeve between his fingers and raised the fabric, revealing his wrist. i gasped when i saw the red and swollen scars across his beautiful pale skin. tears threatened to spill as i ran my fingers along the cuts. ash's eyes well up with salty tears and now we both were crying. i brought his sleeve back down and pressed my hands to his shoulder blades, pulling his body to me. i held him close, crying into his neck. he smelled like he always did, a mix between axe and, like, chocolate.
"why," was all i said.
he just shook in my arms and i brought us to a sitting position. he fell into me so he was sitting between my legs and i was literally cradling him like a baby. i'd never seen ash cry before. i never wanted to see it again.
ashton cupped my face in his hands before pressing his lips to mine. i knew he didn't want to tell me about his problem and now he just needed a desperate distraction from it. and i didn't exactly want this to be it, but i kissed back. for ash. but i couldn't help bur allow my mind to wander to why he might have self inflicted pain upon his own body. he had a good life, i thought. he had so many people that loved him; the boys, his mum, my parents, me.
he slipped his tongue into my mouth and i swallowed nervously, never having actually kissed someone like this.
i pushed him away slightly by his shoulders, breathing faster now. "ash, please," i whimpered. "talk to me." he pulled away and buried his face in my neck. i ran my hands through his hair, trying to soothe him.
"i'm never good enough," he whispered, his voice muffled. "i have this constant fear, too, that everyone, like, hates me. and you are way too good for me. you should be with a guy like luke, because he's perfect. my mum is seeing this new guy, james, and that fucking sucks. you've been mad at me for, like, a week. everyone always ignores me and i hate myself. maely, i don't even think anybody would care if i just vanished."
i was crying freely and i grasped at him tighter. "i would care," i croaked. "i fucking love you, ashton. i don't think i could live without you here. please don't do this again, please."
ashton laid us down and i moved close to him, hugging his waist and sobbing into his shirt. when i was calm, he smoothed down my hair and kissed my lips briefly and chastely. "i'll try," he whispered.
"pinky promise?"
"pinky promise."
i fell asleep on his chest at around five in the evening with our pinkies locked together and our lips an inch apart.
