(Helena's Point of View Pt. 2)
I manage to maneuver the cracked streets of Wynwood. Tears stream from my eyes and The Neighbourhood's "I Love You" full album blasts through my ruined speakers the whole ride there. As I recklessly drive into the forest entrance, I feel my tires skid into the dirt and struggle to maneuver through nature. Trees scratch my car and branches slam against my windows. I keep driving until I find a clearing in the forest and forcefully stop. I grab my phone and get out of my trashed car without care, falling in the process. I fall to my knees. My mind is racing.
The grass is moist with dew and the moon is full tonight. I push myself up, go back to my car, open the glove compartment and take out my knife. I don't even care as to shut off my car. The song "Alleyways" releases from my speakers and into the forest through the open car door. I exit the car and begin to run. I run until my legs can't function anymore. I want to get lost. I want to go away. I don't want to be in this world anymore.
The one time in my life. The only time in my life I think things are getting better. Of course. How could I be so stupid? How could I actually believe life is going to be kind to me? Why? Why would this world ever show me anything but misery?
I trip over a branch and the knife falls out of my hands. I'm panting and sobbing and hyperventilating. It's midnight. I've had a panic attack the entire way here. The forest is quiet, save for some cicadas and crickets. The silence is equally relaxing and terrifying. It feels like my heart is going to leap out of my chest from how fast it's going. I slowly pick myself up as I sob. I look for the knife and my shaky hand picks it up. I grab onto the waistband of my jeans, cutting into them to show the skin of my thighs. I'm covered in deep, protruding scars. Gasping breaths of air, my sobbing hiccups don't allow me to properly breathe. I suck in a gulp of air and press the knife to my right thigh. As I breathe out, the knife cuts into me. I let out a sigh of simultaneous pain and relief. The blood drips down my leg and soaks into my clothing. I cut myself multiple times, haphazardly slicing into the skin of my thigh. I scream from the pain and hear it echo throughout the forest. As the searing pain sets in, I look at the sky. My hands are covered in blood. It's a ridiculous scene to look at. Some insane teenage girl sitting in the middle of the forest with a bloody knife in her hands, cutting herself and crying like a toddler.
"Maybe I should just...die," I whisper to myself. My tears stop. It's as if I lose all emotion for a split second. I look to my left at the ground. There's a tiny grouping of Angel Nectar mushrooms. I remember hearing about these throughout my childhood. Always in groups, Angel Nectar is a deadly fungus that when consumed, guarantees death. The nickname was given to them to symbolize the fact that you'll supposedly be with angels after you eat it, and also apparently being delicious as well. I was always told to beware; to be careful not to even touch them. My eyes follow the trail of tiny mushrooms and notice it goes further into the forest. I grab my knife and slowly get up. My thigh is covered in the thick, sticky, red substance. It stings like hell. As I walk deeper into the forest, I keep my vision on the trail of mushrooms. They get bigger and bigger as I continue to walk. If I eat the biggest one, I think that'll make it most effective, right? Just like swallowing lots of pills...Or something. I reach the end of the trail. The mushrooms are roughly half the size of my hand lengthwise. I kneel down and pluck one from the ground, trying to avoid the nectar leaking from the sides without breaking it at the top. It's gentle and soft, and the nectar looks like a thinner version of honey. It's actually...beautiful. It looks clean and smells sweet. A broken smile forms on my face. "This is it, huh?" I say to myself, my voice inevitably cracking in the process. I laugh half-heartedly and my stomach turns.
I have nothing left. My life literally just obliterated in front of my very eyes. I won't be surprised if I was never even loved to begin with. I don't blame anyone. This was bound to happen. I'm a mistake. This world is a mistake. I'm worthless. Always have been, always will be.
"I'm sorry, dad."
I take a bite of the mushroom and its nectar fills my mouth. It's sweet and appetizing. The different flavors completely cover my tastebuds. My mind tells me to keep going, but my stomach is begging me to stop. I take another huge bite off the mushroom and quickly force myself to swallow, wanting everything to be over with quickly. I painfully swallow and begin trembling. I sit down and put the knife next to me. Is this really it? I guess there's no turning back now. I'm so fucking worthless.
"I'm so...fucking...WORTHLESS!!" I yell at the top of my lungs and I suddenly hear scurrying in the bushes. I quickly turn in the direction of the noise, terrified. I hear another rustling in the bushes directly in front of me. I instinctively crawl back away from them. Paranoia and anxiety creep into the deepest cracks and crevices of my body. Tears spring from my eyes once more. I was so upset and focused on hurting myself that I didn't even realize I'm completely alone in the woods. It's dark and slowly turning pitch black by the minute.
"J-Just kill me already!" I scream, hoping to get everything over with. I start seeing colors. "W-What...is happening?" I ask. Things start spinning. A small, golden glow forms in front of me.
"What...is that..?"
