(Helena's Point of View Pt. 3)
"Do you mind?!" The glowing creature screams. I start feeling a heavy, yet relaxing tiredness veil over my body. As my eyes struggle to stay alert, I notice there are more colorful beings behind the golden one. A plethora of colors fill my vision among two larger figures: one with a black aura, one with a white one. "How cute." The white one says. It has a shrill, yet soothing voice. The golden one screams, "I AM TRYING TO PUT HER TO SLEEP!" I try to open my mouth to speak, but everything fades to black.
I feel nothing. I see nothing. I hear nothing.
I suddenly gasp. I'm awake. A million questions fill my mind, but I'm too tired to focus.
I'm back in my car. There is no music, like before. My throat feels as if there's a thick coating of honey over it. My face feels hot and it's still wet with the streaks of tears currently drying on my face. I try to clear it to get rid of the sensation. I look down at my hands, which are covered with dirt and a dark, sticky substance. I blink a couple times to try and clear my vision. Am I still dreaming?
I notice my ripped and stained pants. As I take a closer look, I run my fingers over my thigh. Were these scars here before?... I feel like I'm losing my mind. I try to tell myself to relax. As I lay back, I look in my rearview mirror. I stop and take a closer look to make sure I'm thinking straight.
There's a lotus flower...in my hair.
I take it out and shakily place it on the dashboard of my car. I breathe in while counting to seven, and breathe out while counting to ten. I scoff and put my head in my hands. I guess I cried myself to sleep. Wow. That's pathetic. I guess it really is true. I'm a failure at everything, even killing myself.
My car has been on the whole time. I groan. My battery is practically dead. I pull out my phone from my pocket. The bright screen makes me flinch. Holy shit... It's 4:00 AM. I have to go back home. Thinking of home, anxiety fills my chest again. My eyes tear up, thinking of the memories. Everyone probably left my house already. I can't believe things went from literally their best to their absolute worse in the span of a few hours. "Jesus..." I whisper, shocked at the events that occurred tonight. I still can't wrap my head around it. I turn my car around and begin exiting the forest.
The car ride home is a slow and miserable one. I try to play some more of The Neighbourhood's music to calm me down. "W.D.Y.W.F.M." Plays just low enough to keep it at a soothing level. I do breathing exercises the whole way home.
As I arrive at my house, millions of fears enter my body. I immediately see a couple making out on my porch. My body is filled with disgust. I quickly walk towards them. "G-Get out!" I startle the couple and they dissipate. "E-Everyone! Get out!" I continue walking through my house. Pairs of teens groan as they awaken and leave the house. I shut off the horrible, pulsating, bass-y music. The house reeks of alcohol, as if it was soaked in a pool of it for hours. I gag as I enter my house. I speed-walk through my halls, covering my nose with my arm. As I pass by my dad's room, I hear a moan. I scream in frustration. I slam the door open and shield my eyes from the naked couple on my dad's bed. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!" My voice cracks from the rasp in my scream. The girl shrieks and the guy protests. They both run out of the room and through the front door. I enter the room and violently rip off all articles of clothing and bed sheets from the bed. I get out of the room and hold my breath from the disgusting pieces of cloth in my arms. I kick my door open, expecting to see someone else in my room. To my surprise, I see no one.
I freeze and my body grows cold. "What...the fuck..." I whisper. All of my items, decorations, everything is on the floor. I drop all items I'm holding and walk into the room. There's glass...I walk towards it. My heart shatters. Someone broke my frame of Hermia. As I examine the pieces, I look down.
What. The fuck. Is that.
Hermia's photo...it's covered with...
My stomach churns. I vomit on the floor. I can't believe what I'm seeing. I can't believe this is happening. Please. If there's a God. If there's anything watching over me. Please don't tell me he did this. The skin around my eyes is completely irritated from the tears. I can't hold anything in anymore. I continue retching every time I attempt to look at the monstrosity on my floor. As my stomach empties, the photo also gets covered with vomit. I take my sweater off and use it to clean my mouth. I take deep breaths and grab my dad's blanket, using it to shield my hands from the liquids as I pick up the completely ruined photo. I toss it in the pile of other soiled belongings just outside of my room. After the photo, I pick up the larger shards of glass, broken frame, all of my decorations and my blankets, which I notice have been stained as well. I place it all in the blanket of shit.
I open the door to my backyard and drag the crap outside. Once I'm outside my house, I continue dragging it until I reach the grassy area of my backyard. I walk back inside, dig into my cabinets, and find my hidden pack of cigarettes and lighter. I take it with me. Once I'm outside, I grab the gallon of gas we own and pour it over the blanket, along with some coal for barbecuing. I finally sit down a couple feet away from the pile. I pull out my lighter, pull out a cigarette, and light it. Taking deep breaths to inhale the fumes, I feel myself finally start to relax. The thoughts start to dial down. I light my lighter once more and throw it to the mountain of vile, to which it starts going up in flames. I hug my knees to my chest and watch the flames dance in front of me. The smell is intense and even disgusting, but the visuals soothe me. I sigh.
"If you're gone, then I need you.
If you're gone, then how is any of this real?
When I'm on, I believe you.
When I'm not, my knees don't even seem to feel...
How can you tell me that I'm great,
When they chewed me up, spit me out, and pissed on me?
Why would you tell me that it's fate,
When they laughed at me, every day, in my face...
They say the end is coming sooner,
But the end's already here.
I say today is but a rumor,
That we'll laugh at in a year...
Or two, or three, or four, or five, whatever.
If you're gone, then I need you.
If you're gone, then how is any of this real?
When I'm on, I believe you.
When I'm not, my knees don't even seem to feel...oh.
How can you tell me that I'm great,
When they chewed me up, spit me out, and pissed on me?
Why would you tell me that it's fate,
When they laughed at me, every day, in my face...
How?
How?
How?
How?"
- The Neighborhood - "How"
