Ups & Downs.

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❝ I want to feel again. ❞

I want to feel things, emotions.
Not just those temporary feelings that some bittersweet romantic movies give me.

I want to feel loved and wanted.
I want to love,
I want to cry of happiness!
Or I just want to cry.
Not because of my favorite character in the series died,
not because they had a happy ending and lived happilly ever after.
I want to cry for me.

This feeling of numbness and emptiness isn't helping.

I am so sick of it,
two years and nothing changed.
I still push people away even when
I need them,
I still feel this big hole growing inside of my chest day after day.
And I have no Idea how to end it.
even though I tried.
I tried to see other people,
I tried to stay alone for a while,
why on earth nothing is helping?
why his memory is still chasing?
holding me back from living,
is it just my sad traumatic destiny?

▪▪▪

It was so much pain that it turned my heart into ice, into cold stone.

Excitement, emotions, impatience, happiness, joy, why can't I feel them ?
or have I lost my sense of feeling?
am I dead or still alive?
that could be the reason why it is hard for me to breathe.
I wanna feel nervous,
feel the blood running through my veins again, that heartbeats racing,
I wanna feel it all over again.

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Isn't strange, that your heart burns and burns and then turns into ice ?
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I'm sorry that I became a cold-hearted one, it's not my fault that I trusted people who betrayed  me, it's not my fault that I lost all the friends I thought I would keep by my side forever, it's not my fault that I always get my heart broken, It's not my fault that everytime I like someone he doesn't feel the same... or is it?.

Maybe, nothing last forever.

Maybe if I don't cry, I will feel nothing at all.