Barbara Dunkelman x Reader

Bringing the light back

-Barbara Pov-

I sit with (y/n) on the couch, and hold his hand. The both of us were told to stay home from work, and take as much time as we need to recover. We formed a bit of a routine, between therapy and everything else. " I have to go out tomorrow to go grocery shopping," I tell him, and he looks up. I wince at how dull his eyes look, but I tell myself we'll get there eventually. " Are you ready to leave the house, and come with me?"

He thinks about it for awhile, before shaking his head, and apologizing. " That's okay (y/n)," I tell him, and then pull him in for a tender hug. " Just stay home. But, if anything happens, then just text or call me. I mean it. If you feel like hurting yourself especially. Tell me, and I will come running."

(y/n) nods, and then the two of us sit in silence, before it's time to sleep. I hear him cry out in the shower, probably from the hot water hitting his cuts. Eventually, though he climbs into bed, and I start to spoon him. " You can go home if you want Barb," he mutters. " You haven't been there in weeks."

" I can't go home right now,"I tell him. " Because, every second I would worry about you. I need to be here with you, and make sure you're okay. I don't care if that means I'm here forever, or if you're ready for me to leave tomorrow."

He starts to say something, but I need to admit something to himself, and to myself. " I almost lost you (y/n). If I had been a minute later, you would be gone from the world. If we hadn't happened to have a compatible blood type, you would be gone from the world. And the idea of that scares me so much. If I leave you alone for even a minute now, I'm worried you'll vanish. So no, I can't just go home. I need to stay with you, my arms around me to make sure you don't get away from me like you almost did."

I feel him deflate with guilty, and he murmurs out an apology. Unlike before, I let him apologize, without telling him he has nothing to be sorry for. " It's okay. Just, thing next time about how the rest of us would feel if you were gone. How I would feel," I say, and I feel him start to tear up. I shift, so his head is buried in my chest, and I hold him close to me. 

When he falls asleep, I let go of him, and lower my head into his chest, like I have every night since he was discharged from the hospital. I need to listen to his heartbeat, and make sure's still there. I need to listen to it, like proof he's alive. It's strong, which is good. I could never see it as weak as it was in the machine again. Doing so had taken every bit of willpower from me. 

After a bit of not being able to sleep, I pull up a chair next to (y/n), and hold his hand. I watch his chest rise and fall, the miracle of his breathing, the miracle of his life. " I love you," I tell him. " I can't tell you this right now, since I don't want to take advantage of your confusion. But, when you're ready, I'll tell you. We'll figure this out. I'll wait for you as long as it takes."

Eventually, tiredness hits me. I get back into bed with (y/n), and hold him as close to me as I can. When I wake up in the morning, I see him taking deep breaths. He smiles at me, and then exhales. " I want to go grocery shopping with you," he says. " I have to get back out there. I can't stay still forever."

I tell him he doesn't have to go, but he shrugs. " I want to try," he says. " But please, stay by me the entire time?" I nod, and then hold his hand. I tell him that I will always be by his side, and then he and I manage to finish our grocery shopping. We sit in the car for a bit, and drink from sodas, and I turn to him. 

" You took a really big step today," I tell him, and he mumbles how it was nothing. " I'm serious (y/n). We made a lot of progress today. You may not be ready for everything, but you're willing to try again, and that matters for so much."

He thanks me, and then begins to ramble out how much he owes me. Eventually, I take a deep breath and decide to make a move. As he opens his mouth again, I cut him off with a kiss. He takes a minute, before returning it. When we pull away, he looks at me dumfounded. " What was that for?"

" I love you," I decide to tell him. " Seeing you like that made me realize it. I didn't want to tell you right away, because I didn't wanna take advantage of you. But, I think I can tell you now. And, I heard from Ally that you had feelings for me to. I can live my life without you. But, I don't want to."

(y/n) rests his head on my lap, and I start to stroke his hair. " I love you too," he says. " I was only with Margaret because you were with Aaron at the time. I didn't wanna ruin our friendship, so I tried to move on."

The two of us sit in a comfortable silence, before I start to drive to his house. When we get in, I carry him to the bed, and the two of us cuddle. " Thank you," he whispers. " For everything. For bringing the light back into my life."

I don't know how to answer that, and so I just cuddle him. And really, maybe that's the best answer there is. 

( let me know what you thought. Also, I had a bit of a fight with my mom, so I am going to be grounded for a bit. I am going to do my best to upload though.)