Esperansa- (the re-write)

Dark Eyed Girl

Chapter ten

I didn’t believe him, I didn’t even know what I was doing when he told me. Jasper, however was completely and utterly right in his judgment. I was ill.  He sat me down on the side of the bath, dampening a few pieces of cotton wool under the tap and began to gently dab at my head. That was when I became aware, I felt the sting as the water touched the open wounds on my scalp, I saw the hairy heap on the floor and understood. I had gone too far but it hurt so much, I had never experienced this pain at any time in my whole life. I wanted to go back to then, be the innocent once more that was why I cut my hair- to try and be the old Alice, Alice Cullen. I only discovered days after the bandages came off that I only had around twenty percent of my natural hair left, most of which was stubby like the tufts on a corn field.

The worst of my cuts contained two stitches- I had done that to myself, and even this did not fully sink in. Jasper had to speak to me, coax and persuade and beg me to go and see a doctor and when I went it proved to be a good idea. I was diagnosed with chronic grief, more than the average person but not quite as severe as depression. I was given tablets, anti-depressants, for a week taking my daily medication intake up to four pills a day. Surprisingly it made me feel better knowing that we could not risk trying to have another child, it was so obvious to me that another baby inside me would only remind me of our little boys. Doctors had discovered that my hormone levels didn’t increase from conception as they should but rose and then plummeted later. This could happen at any time during my pregnancy. This was the reason I had already lost a child, a baby I had barely known I had, most likely because its life was programmed to end before it even began. There was one answer, another chance at being parents, both Jasper and I proved healthy enough and from the tests done previously, and again after the miscarriage it was clear there had been nothing wrong with the egg. We could find a surrogate Mom for the child, someone who would happily become pregnant with our embryo and then give birth to the child only to return it to its biological parents.

Esme came to us, the day after we had received the information, she explained that Carlisle and her had mulled it over and had agreed. Esme was happy to carry our baby for us. That was my definite decider, we would never have a child of our own. I could never give that responsibility to Esme after she had said she would not have her own even though as a human, her body was perfectly capable. I couldn’t see that happen, nor did I know if I could cope with seeing her grow and seeing her experience all the little movements, I couldn’t know I was incapable of giving my baby food. Fortunately Jasper agreed with my hard thought judgment.

Esme arranged for me to leave the house, she said being away would help and she believed staying with my sister would be a good idea. I didn’t fully understand how this would benefit me until I went, I thought being around Brooke would make it worse, harder for me but Esme knew other things that we didn’t know.

The Cullen-Hale home, although it was only Brooke who used the double barreled surname, was a large and bright house right on the edge of its own small cove surrounded by two caves and a small strip of the huge ocean beyond.  The house itself was whitewashed with deep mahogany décor on the decking at the back and porch at the front. The front door was in the style of an old church in the same dark wood. Subsequently it was raining when I arrived at the usually sunny destination, I couldn’t help but smile at the disgusted faces of people dashing around with their shoulders hunched. Poor ordinary people relying on the weathergirl’s awful predictions, one nil to me I think.

I tapped up the steps in a pair of short leather boots, tapping the lion head door knocker.

The heavy door was pulled open after a few minutes and I saw my sister’s welcoming face for the first time since Christmas, nine months ago.