I'm going to be honest with you all.
My whole life I've felt like I've never been able to please anyone.
Everything I did was "not enough" You know?
Something was always missing.
And that feeling was horrible because it didn't just come from one pe...
Now, growing up, I never had any really good friends, and, when I was younger, I never really managed to grasp the fact that they weren't true friendships. So, when I was in Year 4(Grade 5), this girl came to my school, let's call her S. Now, I had been at the same school all my life, since I was three years old, and I had never really had a best friend before, as I said previously. So, naturally, when S joined I was very excited at the chance to meet someone new, and possibly make another friend. Immediately, S and I became the best of friends, and I was so excited to have a friend. But, when we grew older and I started seeing how proper friendships should be, I started to realise how controlling S was. But, I soon got over my doubts in her and our friendship continued strongly. As a side note here, as we were got older, S's ego inflated a lot, and, to make herself feel better and more superior, she used my weaknesses to her advantage, putting me down to make herself feel better. Now I didn't know any better, as I thought that most friendships were like that, so I let her do it, even though it made me feel smaller and very insecure about myself. So, I buried myself in books and built a wall around myself, keeping up a hard exterior, and nobody talked to me apart from S, and I became the shy, quiet, loner, geeky and nerdy girl. On the outside, I was fine, on the inside, not so much.
So a few years later, S decided that she was going to leave the school, and she was to go to another school that this other girl, N was going to go to, so, naturally, S wanted to become friends with N. I was excited at the prospect of getting another friend, so of course I gladly welcomed N into our duo of S's and mine. To start off with, it was great, S, N and I were the best of friends and I couldn't be happier. But all good things come to an end, and N started pushing me out of our trio. She kept doing this to the point that I was barely their friend anymore. Then, one day, they introduced this game to me called surprise tag, although I only found out that it was a game until later on. You can probably guess what the game was, it was basically tag, but the person who was up didn't know about the game. So, basically, they started playing the game, so whenever they could, they would run away from me. Obviously, I had no idea about this game, and so I thought that they were just running away from me. Now, bare in mind that I was only about 10 or 11 at the time, so it was pretty horrible for me, seeing that the friend that I had grown to trust so much, just running away from me every chance she got. Naturally, I began to think that there was something wrong with me, and do I became very self conscious about the way I look, my weight and just everything about me in general. I started to want to hurt myself, at first it was to punish myself because I 'wasn't good enough', but then I began to take pleasure in it, using it to take my mind off everything. Now, I don't have any physical scars or anything, because I was careful about doing it. I always stopped before I drew blood, or made an extremely noticeable bruise. When I forgot, and accidentally made it too obvious, I always could find an excuse. I never told my parents about any of this, until one day, where it got so bad that I had a mental breakdown and full-on anxiety attack in the girls bathrooms. My kind-of mutual friend-ish found me and got my sister, but thankfully I had managed to calm down from the anxiety attack and was just a messed up ball on the floor, when she came in. I explained to my sister what had happened about the game, although I failed to mention the length of time it had been going on. We confronted S and N about it and they explained the game to me, although they didn't apologise and still haven't to this day.
Fast forward to a few years later (S and N left at the end of that year, although they now aren't friends, because of reasons I'm not going to go into now) and I have a wonderful group of five friends, me included, not counting the wonderful friends i have on here, and my amazing boyfriend, DamionDarkly❤. These people have made me realise that I do matter, and I am slowly getting better. I love you all, and I can't thank you enough for making me realise that I do matter.
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