I'm going to be honest with you all.
My whole life I've felt like I've never been able to please anyone.
Everything I did was "not enough" You know?
Something was always missing.
And that feeling was horrible because it didn't just come from one pe...
When I was small I never really had a voice to speak. I was always classified as the edgy weirdo. No one really approached me that much and I felt alone. I got bullied for being like I am. Every word, look, expressions they said and made I could see and hear them. I never felt as useless, worthless or ugly as I did. I knew that no one would like me even if I made an effort to change so I build up my walls and let my confidence dropped down to the bottom. I've waited for someone to come and help me out of the fortress I made and pull me out. Save me from the cold winter storm I've entered and help me find warmth once again. Im a fall leaf that fall's and gets lost in the mess. I knew "I wasn't good enough" to be like the rest. Even my family thought I wasn't perfect back then.
Even though my family shows "love to me" I feel like a meer stranger around them. I feel like a joke, an embarrassment like an item being used and thrown out because I have no more purpose or function. I've gotten into classes like Violin and I've also tried to learn how to draw just to catch their attention and make them proud of me. For me to be able to get praised even if it's just a lie. But even when I tried my hardest doing that I always failed and I still do and it makes me feel like "Im not good enough". I've know what pain really is now. What a failure feels like. What being invisible just for a moment is and all the pain and mental torture it can bring. That's when you get hurt on the inside out.
When I'm hurt I shut down everyone, I turn to a total mess, I completely block my emotions and start to ignore everyone. I noticed that people only care for you when you show sadness that's why even when I'm happy or sad I try to turn everyone down. Ive gotten to the point that if they keep insisting on helping me I start being mean to them. That's when I realize I'm more alone than ever. I cry to get rid of the pain and soon find out that the tears make the pain feel more real. I just want my tears to drown out all the pain I feel. I'd soon find myself on the bottom in the dark trying to pick myself up once again with my own strength. I try to take my broken pieces and put them back together one by one. I soon got tired. Why would I continue to pick myself up again if all im going to do is fall and crash over and over again. I became tired of people, my family, my emotions, myself. I completely lost who I was. I kept telling myself "I wasn't good enough" Because I wasn't even able to help myself. I feel like a complete failure. A joke.
Im here now and Im taking things slow. My heart may be broken and shattered into pieces. My mind may be lost somewhere else but Ive gotten help from people Im proud to call my friends. I know that soon my heart will grow to be like it once was. That pain is just like the oceans tides, It comes and it goes. I still feel alone, I still feel like a pathetic freak, Im everything that you can't control. Ive even started to think "What if I feel this way for the rest of my life?" Im hiding what I'm feeling but I'm tired of keeping it all in my head. I don't blame anyone for making me feel like this. I blame myself, Its all my fault, Everything is my fault. I know it may seem tough to pick myself up from the hole I've fallen to but I won't lose the little faith I have left because thanks to them I feel like Im actually good enough~.
||And I will fight for them and myself~.||
||Chuiie has left the chatroom||
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Hope you all Join and share your beautiful stories!!!! Made by;_Chuiie_
P.s. love you peaches!! Thanks for supporting through everything even stuff like this , that's why you are the best friend a girl could ever ask for !!! And that's why you will always bee good enough for me. ^3^
