I'm going to be honest with you all.
My whole life I've felt like I've never been able to please anyone.
Everything I did was "not enough" You know?
Something was always missing.
And that feeling was horrible because it didn't just come from one pe...
I've been a preacher's kid my entire life. One thing that comes with your parent being set on a pedestal, is everyone feels the obligation to *act* like your "friend." It never occurred to me that those many friends I had were truthfully fake. I was the smart, weird, joyful, pk and I didn't care what people thought.
2017 was an amazing year for me. My life was almost perfect and I had really good friends to keep me up. A smile was always plastered on my face and I was a very happy person normally. I had built amazing friendships with the teens and kids my age. I felt like I belonged and that nothing could go wrong in my corner of the world.
Until August...
A group from church (me included) just got back from Massachusetts and not a week later my dad was sat down and fired on a stupid false accusation they literally had to dig to find. Everyone turned their backs on my family and I had never felt so hurt, so betrayed, before. A few friends stuck with me for about a month afterwards, but they slowly dwindled and broke off communication too. I had honestly never felt so worthless in my life. I felt like everything was my fault, that I could've prevented it all from happening, I wasn't good enough, I should've been better, if I weren't for me everything would be fine, so on and so forth. All these lies ate at me daily and my anxiety got worse as I slowly fell into a horrible thing called depression.
So many time I had given my everything to people, but it was never enough for them. I was never enough for them. I couldn't meet their expectations. I always fell short of who they wanted me to be and, worse, who I wanted me to be. I constantly failed myself and felt like utter trash about it.
I had never in my life even thought about hurting myself, but those thoughts kept creeping in. Your ugly anyway, it won't affect anything. You're fat. Starving yourself would do you good. No one will notice. No one really cares. You deserve it. You don't deserve to feel better. Everyone hates you. They'd rather you be dead anyway. I can't say I was ever suicidal through all of it, but if a car had been rushing towards me at times, I would not have moved. I would have high days and low days, and the better I felt, the harder I would crash and burn later on. I hated myself for letting me get there. I constantly felt like crap because I wasn't even strong enough to keep myself from feeling like that.
When it got really bad I would make little cuts on my fingertips or knuckles, just until it drew blood, and claim they were 'paper cuts' so i wouldn't get in trouble. The worst part about it, my family never thought anything was wrong and that made me feel even more worthless. Like I wasn't even good enough for them to notice I was hurting so bad.
I had two friends through the whole thing and they were both three and four years older than me. The constant doubt that they were only my friends because they pitied me nagged at my mind daily. I felt like a hindrance to them and pretty much like an annoying little twerp. It wasn't until one of them started really opening up to me and proving she cared that I finally realized I had a real friendship there.
I still struggle today with self worth and not feeling good enough, but I know I will always be good enough in someone's eyes.
This whole story probably just sounds like a testimony, but it honestly is. I won't go into all that "Jesus stuff", but all in all I found my true worth in Christ. I'm alive today because He gave me two amazing friends and a great family to help me through life and because of that, now I know I was always good enough.
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