Protecting Taylor

Chapter 35

Tour started back up and I still felt the same that I did the night I came back from that mission. I thought the feelings would go away, but I found myself struggling. Taylor could tell I was different and she made it a point to pester me about it daily. The days were exhausting and at night when I wanted to sleep, I was restless.
Shawn got a hold of Taylor to ask me to go out a few times before he was back on the tour, but I made excuses as to why I couldn't. I just didn't feel like it. So when he saw me on tour again he hugged me for a solid minute. I wanted to enjoy seeing him, but I found it hard to enjoy anything.
My nightmares were seeming to get worse and it wasn't just dreams about Russia and my thoughts didn't just linger on Eric's words. My dreams and thoughts were everywhere and ranged from my childhood to present day.
Taylor was even in my dreams and I couldn't even bare the thought of those.
Today was a day off and I spent the day out and about with Adam and Taylor. They took me to some animal reserve in Nashville and we went out to lunch and to a few stores. It was a fun day, it was supposed to be at least. It was hard for me to snap out of this daze.
Taylor and Adam made dinner together that night and tried to involve me by having me chop vegetables and stir stuff up. It was supposed to be some fun quality time kind of day I guess, but my thoughts weren't on that.
Then, after that, Adam started the fire pit in the backyard.
Taylor came up to me in my room where I was sitting on the bed with Meredith and Olivia. She had a blanket in her hands and wrapped it around me, then put her arm around my shoulders.
"Come on, Adam got the fire going." She said leading me into the backyard.
"Babe, did you bring out the stuff for s'mores?" Taylor asked.
"No, can you grab it?" He asked.
"Yeah." Taylor said and left me outside.
I sat in one of the patio chairs. Adam glanced at me.
"She's worried about you." He said.
"I'm fine though."
"You look like hell, no offense."
Taylor opened the door and came back outside.
"I got it!" She said.
"Do you like s'mores Alex?" Adam asked acting as if he never said anything to me.
"I've never had one."
"You'll love it. God I just love fall." Taylor said sitting down by me and opening the packages.
"Hold this." She said hading me a long stick with two prongs at the end.
She put a marshmallow on one of the prongs.
"Now you just hold that over the fire." She instructed.
I let the marshmallow hover over the fire.
"Turn it so it evenly toasts."
"Okay." I murmured.
She put a cracker and piece of chocolate on the plate.
"Pull it back." She said.
I pulled it away from the fire and it was browned.
"Let me see it." She said.
Taylor put it on to the cracker and chocolate, then took another cracker and slid the marshmallow off the prong and it gushed over the edges between the crackers.
"You'll want to let it cool, then you can eat it."
"Thanks." I said
After a minute I took a bite and the gooey marshmallow strung onto my chin and the melted chocolate snugged on the corners of my mouth. It tasted good though.
"Well?" They both said.
"It's good." I mumbled out with my mouth full.
I finished eating and Taylor and Adam exchanged smirks.
"What?" I asked.
"Uh, you got a little something on your face." She said giggling.
I went to wipe it off.
"Hold on!" Taylor laughed.
I looked over to see why I needed to stop and the flash went off on her phone. She showed me the picture laughing. I laughed a little at it too. We were all laughing. I looked ridiculous, but it was funny.
After a while I just didn't feel like being out there anymore, so I said I was going to bed. They said their good nights and I went off on my own.
I laid in bed for hours looking at the ceiling. I heard them come in and go to bed and I was still laying awake. At around 2:00 I finally fell asleep.

"Lexa, when are you coming home?" A little voice said.
I turned around and saw a little girl; it was Cassidy.
"Cassidy?" I said.
"Lexa, please come home daddy is hurting me."
"Cassidy how are you here?"
I heard a gun go off. She fell to the ground in a pool of blood.
"Cassidy!" I screamed and looked around for the shooter.
I couldn't find anyone. Then, I looked down and saw a gun in my hands.
I dropped it, petrified. When I looked back up my sister was gone. I went through a door and suddenly I wasn't in my old house anymore. It was Taylor's apartment.
"Taylor!" I called.
"Why did you do it?" Adam came into the room screaming.
"What?"
"You killed her you bitch!" He yelled and smacked me across the face.
"I didn't!"
"You shot her!"
"No!"
He kept hitting me.
"You're a terrible person." Shawn said coming out of nowhere.
"I'm sorry." I cried.
"Alexandra, get your stupid ass home!" Adam and Shawn were gone and it was my father hitting me.
"I thought you were dead."
The boss appeared behind me with his gun raised.
"Agent 113 I've got one more job for you."
"No I can't." I cried.
"You have to, it's your job."
"Please, no more." I cried.

I sat up with a violent scream. Tears were running down my face. I can't take this. There was a thudding sound nearing me and the door flung open. Taylor and Adam stood in the doorway breathing heavy.
"Alex, are you okay?" Taylor asked.
I couldn't speak.
They slowly approached me.
"Sweetheart, you need to stop pulling your hair." Taylor said calmly.
My eyes darted everywhere around the room. How could I know if this was real? Taylor reached out for me and I pushed myself away from her.
Adam came up behind me and grabbed my arms.
I jerked away.
"Stop!"
"Baby, you need to relax. It was just a dream. You're safe. It's okay." Taylor soothed.
She sat on the edge of the bed.
"Come here." She said.
"I can't." I cried.
"Yes you can."
She reached out and grabbed my arm. I flinched, but she didn't let go and pulled me towards her. She wrapped her arms around me tightly and shushed me as I cried into her shirt.
"I think it's time to talk." She murmured.
I just kept crying. Adam sat down on the other side of me and rubbed my back.
"You're alright, kid." He said.
Once I was calmed down Taylor tucked my hair behind my ears and held my face in her hands.
"Talk to me." She said.
I glanced at Adam.
"Babe, I think this is a girls conversation." She told him.
"That's okay, I'll be in the bedroom." He nodded and left.
"What's going on with you? You can tell me anything, I won't judge."
"I don't know."
"I know you, and you aren't a bad person. Whatever it is, we can work it out."
I sighed.
"Uh, when I was a little girl my mom died having my little sister. My dad started drinking and he was really awful when he drank. He started beating me and I always took the beating for my little sister because she was so little and I was scared he would kill her."
I sobbed and she rubbed my back reassuringly.
"One day he came home with a gun and I tired to fight him, but he shot my sister. So, I started fighting with him and he was drunk so he stubble and hit his head. It knocked him out, but I was afraid he would wake up, so I took his gun and shot him to make sure."
I choked on a sob.
"You were protecting yourself, it's okay." Taylor said.
"I ran away and I was living on the street for months until NAPA found me and took me in  and trained me. They told me I would be righting my wrongs and helping the world, but I don't know anymore. I thought it was right, but now not so much and it haunts me."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not the person you think I am."
She gave me a look to continue.
"NAPA stands for National Association of Protection and Assassination. I kill people, and a lot of them." I cried.
She pulled me into her arms.
"I'm going to help you I promise. You aren't a bad person." She said crying too.
"I can't live with myself."
"You have ptsd, you need help and I'm going to get you some, okay? You're going to be alright."
We both sat there crying. I felt guilty for telling her and I can't believe she wasn't called the police or something. Instead, she pitied me.
"I promise you'll be okay." She murmured kissing my head.