My Mental Health Life Story, Inspired Edition:

Emotional Pain In The Present

Well I watched "The Women Of His Dreams" Of Ghost Whisperer yesterday and it resembled and brought me back to the emotional trauma I've had in my childhood and with my past. The past with my mom about how ignorant, immature and mentally blind plus lacking empathy over the years. If she wasn't like that, I could've had a better life in the areas of being able to trust her and her (oh I don't know) trust me back, to be able to be honest and vulnerable with her with all the things I've continued to keep bottled up inside me instead expressing it on the outside.

And she would've known more and done something to support me and known about the real me, the me I was and the real me I was trying to become but struggling a lot and in reality they weren't helping me work through my millions of issues. Mom said I was "talking stupid" but I wasn't. What I meant about that was: "I didn't want them to know the real me. To know what I'm like on the inside. My inner demons. That's where they hide!

You know the lyrics of "Demons" by Imagine Dragons. Here they are: I want to hide the truth. I want to shelter you. But with the beast inside. There's nowhere we can hide. No matter what we breed. We still are made of greed. This is my kingdom come. This is my kingdom come. When you feel my heat. Look into my eyes. It's where my demons hide. It's where my demons hide. Don't get too close. It's dark inside. It's where my demons hide. It's where my demons hide.

I didn't mean to sound stupid or in any other way. I meant what I said because I didn't particularly want them to see inside me because of my demons. That's where they hide and I also didn't want them to see what's in my brain (but like anyone could actually see). I felt so ashamed and it didn't make me feel any better how my parents have taken me seriously or lack of that in fact. You know how this can put on a child and even as a young adult.

Even mentioning about how they affected my self worth. Taking it away constantly and still expecting me to work towards loving myself and feeling and being confident in my skin and with my life. How does that make sense? It doesn't. It's like doing things for you when they don't do things for you back. If that is correct!

Oh can you imagine the emotional trauma, the pain, the doubts, fears, worries, emotional pain, body image and body confidence issues and more? What's a young women to do when she tried to be vulnerable with her: ignorant, immature, mentally blind and yet lacking of empathy about things that mean something close to her heart, things that bug her and want her parents to support her in ways of comforting her instead of shaming and negatively judging her all the time for every little thing yet it's the "they hear but they don't listen" to me kind of problem.

When it comes to parents who take away my self worth for as many years as they have, until I made the choice one day to stop waiting for the day they realize the real harm they've done over the years and stop taking away my self worth, and start stop giving the power from them over me like that. And to start giving more power in myself with loving myself regardless of the power to do the complete opposite.

Oh and one more thing (though there's plenty more to share which I will for sure and in therapy whenever that begins) the part of my parents taking away my self worth, made me feel worthless, that no one could or would ever want to date me, love me, spend time with me in any way with how much a burden I felt inside!