BETA MINE (mxm || lgbtq)

Part 1

A B A L O N

I'm okay.

At least I think I am.

I just have to keep focusing on the little one inside me.

I can't think of what happened in the past. I can't think of the past period. It's too painful and I don't want to go back to that place I was when-

A little kick to my stomach draws me away from such thoughts and I'm grateful to my little pumpkin. I place a hand over the spot and smile slightly. If it wasn't for him or her I'd be dead now.

My little life saver.

"Do you want some tea?" Javier breaks into my reverie and I just smile at him and nod yes.

He's trying to be a mate to me I can tell but I'm scared. I'm too scared of him to place my trust in him anymore. I'd rather us remain the way we are now. Him pining for Ivan and me, well I'll just be alone as usual, well until my pup comes. It's better this way.

Staring out at the forest from the porch at the back of Javier's house I can't help but think of my childhood dreams of finding a loving mate and bearing him pups that we want.

"Here, careful it's hot." Javier says placing the cup on a saucer on the table in front of me once again bringing me from my thoughts.

"Thanks." I murmur watching the cute china cup on the wooden table wondering if he bought them because Ivan likes china cups.

"What color should we repaint the nursery to?" Javier asks earning a frown from me.

"What?"

"You seem not to like it the way it is so tell me what you want and I'll fix it." he says and I scoff mainly to myself.

"It doesn't matter what I like Javier. If we have a boy or a girl blue would work and I will be going back to my quarters when the pup comes." I say for the umpteenth time.

"What? I thought..." he trails of, his face scrunches up in confusion.

"I was in a coma Javier, I didn't suffer amnesia. I didn't forget everything that's happened between us. I didn't forget that night. I know what I tried to do and why." I tell him honestly.

"I don't forgive you. I'm only staying here because you got the doctor to agree that I should be on twenty-four hour surveillance and it's healthy for the pup to be close to both parents while still in the womb." I'm panting when I finish tell him what is on my mind while he just sulks.

I gasp when a kick is felt from the underside of my stomach and I glare at the bump.

"Behave." I say to the sassy little thing but he or she kicks again lightly but settles.

"Can I?" Javier asks gesturing to my stomach and I hesitantly nod. He takes a knee in front of me and I bite my lower lip when he pushes up my jersey with his fingers until its well over my bump and his palms smooth back down.

He inch closer with his entire body while I hold my breath when he starts caressing the flesh protecting his legacy. The young inside gives a hearty kick that makes me gasp and pant when Javier places his lips upon the spot.

Javier looks up at me, hands still caressing my skin and locking stare with me. He's so handsome. The most attractive male I've ever seen.

He presses another kiss to my skin and I flush, my scent thickening with arousal and when Javier's own hit the wind I moan. There's not another male that can smell like Javier does. Maybe it's true when it's said that nothing smells better than the person you love.

Javier kisses his way up my stomach until his abdomen is pressed firmly against my stomach on both knees now. His nose trails and finds its way pressing to my neck as he scent marks me. Nuzzling my cheek and rubbing against every available part of me.

"I want to make love to you so bad." Javier whispers and my cock jumps. I'm too weak, if he continues touching me like he is doing right now and pressing those butterfly kisses to my neck I'd give in and let him in me again.

"Please baby. I'll make you feel so good." Javier nips my collar bone and a guttural moan leaves me.

"Yes..." is that my voice? I sound so needy, so unlike me and when I try pulling away from Javier and get myself under control my wolf surges. The need to mate with his other half overwhelms me. His want of the male on knees in front of us overcomes my logic and before I know it I am spread eagle on Javier's sheets.

He touches and kisses my skin as usual except in a way that is... more. More passionately, more desperately. Licking and nipping my flesh and then he's hovering over me, closing the distance between our mouths until I turn my face to the side.

His heart beat stutters only for a second when I speak. "Just physical Javier, love has nothing to do with what we have." I know my words cut him on the inside and I like it. I like that I can make him feel so low. I like that I can make his face twist in distaste when I make these little comments. I like that I can make him feel as insignificant to me as he did me. I want him to cry. I want him to bleed on the inside while I rip his heart from his chest with my words and actions.

Javier nods and I feel some relief when he goes back down on me, pleasuring my body with such intensity. In a way he's never before. Lips lingering in places they never did before. Hands caressing like it's the first time he's ever touched another-touched me. Handling me like I'm something treasurable: mindful of the pup inside me.

Am I experiencing love making for the first time? Maybe I am. Javier never made love to me. Always fucking, even our first time wasn't like this.

Tears leak at the corners of my eyes but Javier kisses them away. I wonder if he can taste my pain in those tears. I wish he could.

When I climax he's soon behind breathing hard like he just came from a brutal training session and he's looking at me like I am the best thing in his life.

"Don't look upon me with such eyes." I hold his confused stare taking back full control from my sated wolf. I can understand this was the only form of release he could have gotten since shifting could harm the pup.

"What?" Javier pants and I push him off me dislodging his manhood from between my legs and stand on shaky legs as his essence run down my inner thighs.

"We've always been nothing Javier. Only our wolves' satisfaction and well-being made up what we had and nothing is going to change now." I tell him with confidence in my voice I knew not where I got.

"But just now..."

"Was like all the other times. My wolf needed it and so did yours. I can't shift while pregnant and you can't mate with anybody else physically. You can only have your cherished one in your mind." I grab a towel from one of the draws knowing my words are stabbing the both of us.

"Our arrangement works for me. My wolf is sate for now. You'll know when you have need of my body again as usual." I refuse to remain and listen to his rebuttal so I lock myself in the bathroom and cry. My own truth poisoning me from the inside out.

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A/N

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