BETA MINE (mxm || lgbtq)

Part 1

A B A L O N

Pretty words mean nothing when you can't back them up. Hearing Javier's truths should have made me able to come to a decision but I can't. I'm too conflicted. On one hand I can try again with him. Speak for myself when the Enforcers come. On the other I wish to forget he was ever supposed to be mine.

It is only a day before the Enforcers are due to arrive and Javier has not broached the subject with me since informing me of their arrival.

He now scent marks Avery every chance he gets, his mating scent increases ten folds every time we're in the same room making everybody uncomfortable as hell.

I know he tries to fight his instincts now that he has accepted me as his mate. Hell it takes everything in me to not jump his bones when he comes in at lunch time from training in his sweats and t-shirt looking scrumptious as fuck. I swear I hold myself back at least thirty times a day from baring my neck to him for a mating mark.

I know it was wrong of me to lead him on when I'm not sure I still want to be with him. I'm so scared of him emotionally even though our dates were wonderfully filled with all my hopes and expectations. But I can't settle. I will never settle for anything less than I deserve.

Luna Ivan has asked me to meet with him twice already but as luck would have it something comes up every time and we have to cancel. I have no such luck this time.

"How are you Sentinel Abalon?" Ivan asks and takes a seat next to me on the sofa in the Alpha's office.

"I am fine." I reply stiffly.

"And Avery?" he smiles and I return it.

"He's good." Ivan nods and wrings his hands together. If I was ever wondering what he needed to speak to me about then I am sure now as he looks at me with big wet eyes pleading for forgiveness.

"Abalon... I..." He licks his lips and sighs loudly. "I am sorry. I didn't know-"

"You are an Alpha Ivan. It is your duty to know everything that goes on in your pack." I cut Ivan off. I care not for his pity.

"You're too oblivious about everything Ivan. Do you think Tyke liked the way you allowed Javier to be at your beck and call for all those years you found each other?" I ask and he gasps, eyes widening at my words.

"Do you know why Javier is even alive?" I ask another question he can't answer. "It's because Tyke loves you. He loves you so much that he allowed you to have Javier as you did." I answer the question for him and he frowns.

"I don't..." his voice trails off and I purse my lips. He really is oblivious.

"You inadvertently led Javier on for years and you continued even after being mated. If Tyke was not a good man Javier's throat would have been ripped open even before he and I met." I tell him and I can see the gears turning in his head. The consequences of his actions intentionally or not are now being realized as he gasps loudly, hand flying to his throat and those eyes are filled to the brim with tears again.

"I am sorry. I... I've hurt you and Javier so much. My own mate..." Ivan sobs now. I look at him and even though I can still see him as the oblivious fool he is I still feel sorry for him.

"He's all I have here Abalon and I know I should have set confines to our friendship but I needed him. I needed the security that he'll always be a part of my life even if I knew he harbored feelings for me that ran deeper than platonic." Ivan cries and I sigh.

"That's where you're wrong Ivan. You have a pack, you have friends. You have Tyke. What else do you need?" I ask, harsh I know but cocooning him in a bubble will not help him to mature beyond a juvenile scared to be alone.

"How oblivious are you Ivan? You mean to say you didn't know anything? The way the gossips in this pack run their mouths and you heard nothing?" I ask incredulous of how unaware Ivan really is.

His eyes weep as he opens his mouth to speak. "When I found Tyke nothing changed and then Javier found you and it remained the same. You were always so happy. Smiling. I took that at face value that you and Javier were happy. I didn't even notice Javier wasn't properly mated to you." Ivan sobs and I don't know what to do.

"We all wear masks Ivan. Some of us just wear them better than others. It is I who has no one here Ivan. It is I who am alone." I go to the desk and get a Kleenex and hand it to Ivan.

"Can you forgive me?" Ivan asks and I look down at him. He looks like a child that was just scolded severely.

"I have listened to your piece Ivan and though I may comprehend it I cannot forgive you. Not yet. I won't give you false hopes because I too have emotional flaws." I say honestly and Ivan nods his understanding.

Ivan nods. "Have you decided what you'll be doing when the Enforcers come?" he asks.

"No."

"Oh Goddess. Javier and you are suffering so much because of my blindness." Ivan says and I stiffen.

"You did not force Javier to feel anything for you. It was he who fell in love of his own free will." The words were bitter on my tongue but truth nonetheless. "His actions were his alone and he must face the consequences now."

I leave Ivan there and make my way to my room. I need to be alone for a while. I need to think. I need to decide what I want for myself and my pup.

When Javier comes to drop off Avery he looks at me expectantly but I have no answer for him. I have no answer for myself either. I am still confused. Still torn between grasping onto my childhood dreams by accepting Javier now and saying fuck it and brave the rest of my life alone with only Avery to complete me.

I pack a bag and ask Javier to keep Avery for the night. He must have picked up on my scattered emotions as he gives Avery to me to nuzzle and kiss goodbye for the few hours till daybreak again.

"I love you." He whispers and I nod. He says this to me every chance he gets now as if he's trying to make up for all the time he hasn't but those three words can't erase our past, can't forge a future for us either.

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