BETA MINE (mxm || lgbtq)

Part 2

A B A L O N

I spend the night staring at my ceiling and even though I've not slept a wink I don't feel tired or sleepy. Just numb. My decision has been made and I know what I am going to do, what I am going to say when the meeting with the Enforcers begins.

Showering and dressing for the day I sit on the bed until Javier knocks. He gives me a watery smile and a quiet good morning and I respond in kind and take Avery off his hands and kiss the pup's cheek. Javier has him dressed cutely in a mint green outfit with hat and socks to match.

"Can I request something of you Abalon?" Javier asks and I nod stiffly.

"Would you and Avery spend the day with me before the meeting starts?" Javier asks and I frown at him.

"Um, yea?" I didn't know how to answer him. He looks so desperate and sad at the same time.

"Thank you. First we're gonna have breakfast at the house." Javier places his hand on my elbow and guides me to his house. We walk in silence with Avery cooing ever so often.

When we arrive Javier has his dining table laden with foods. Most of it is my favorite fruits and dishes. He takes Avery from my arms and buckles him in his high chair then helps me into mine.

We serve ourselves the food and we eat in silence. Avery again filling it with his baby babble. Once we are finished we watch a movie together. The new Thor. I'm secretly happy because it came out just before Avery was born and I didn't get to go and watch it at a theatre. I enjoyed it. It had a good amount of comic relief and action.

Javier and I banter throughout it like old friends. Like we don't have a fucked up past, like we don't have a care in the world. We laugh and talk as if in just a few short hours he could not lose us and I would finally give up my last hopes from my childhood dreams.

We take turns seeing to Avery's every need of food and diaper changes. Javier never asks me my decision. I want so bad to tell him what I have decided for the meeting later. I don't want him to be blindsided when the time comes.

"Javier..." I call him after he places a sleeping Avery inside his basinet.

"I don't want to know Abalon." Javier looks at me with eyes glassy. "Not yet." he adds on a whisper.

I nod and he sits next to me. So close that our thighs are brushing together. I act as if nothing is going on and we watch the first part of John Wick. Javier gets us snacks, popcorn, chips and chocolates for me.

My mind wanders. Javier does not want prior knowledge of what my choice is. I'm afraid his wolf would have a reaction like the last time.

"Javier..." his hand comes down on my thigh ad I try not to hyperventilate when he starts to hum. Low and rumbling in his throat.

"Just for a while. No sex. I just want to scent mark you." Javier says modestly.

I look into his eyes and I can see the truth he speaks and I nod one jerky movement of my head.

"Thank you." he whispers and he lays me on the sofa. His growling increasing when he hovers over me.

He helps me to remove my jersey and his own and then his nose is trailing all over my skin. His growls increase with every moment he tries to mark my skin as his.

Cheek brushes against mine and he inhales my scent deep into his lungs while I lay immobile. He doesn't touch me with his hands but my breath is coming fast the lower he goes. Straight down to the waistband of my pants he inhales there too. Taking my manly scent and committing it to his memory.

"I love you." his lips caress my flesh on his way back up till they are hovering over mine.

"Can I kiss you?" I look up into his handsome face for the longest while. Committing his facial features this up close to my memory I stare unabashedly. From his perfectly shaped eyebrows to his stubbled chin to his high cheek bones, plump lips and most importantly his eyes.

The way he's looking down at me makes my tummy quiver with want of the emotional connection he is promising but I can't. I don't want his left over feelings.

"No." my voice sounds stronger than I feel when his eyes tear up. My heart quivering in my chest the longer he stares down at me with such sad eyes. Despair, guilt, bafflement, acceptance is the last that flashes in his eyes as the first tear drop falls onto my cheek.

"Okay." Lips tremble before he closes his eyes against my emotionless ones.

My first kiss is mine to give to the mate I've dreamt of all my life. Not this wolf that regrets his emotional rejection of me.

He's no longer the wolf I neither longed for nor is he the man I yearned for.

"I love you." his eyes bore into mine as if he's trying to make me believe his words. I just stare up at him.

I don't feel for him like I did before. I don't want him like I did before. I'm different now and he's different too. I wonder if it's that now that I have him I don't want him kind of thing. Maybe... I don't know. I do know that we're both changed men.

"I love you." I don't respond.

"I love you." our eyes are still locked.

"I love you." I can't look away.

"I love you." I want to look away.

"I love you." no you don't-that's what I want to say.

"I love you." more tears fill his eyes before they start falling onto my skin.

"I love you." the first warm drop soaks into the skin of my cheek before it slides off followed by another and then another.

"I love you." I want to bask in his pain.

"I love you." yes... more.

"I love you." his pain is palpable now. I can almost smell it. Delicious.

"I love you." keep crying for me.

"I love you." cry till you have no more tears like I did.

"I love you." your tears can never fill more rivers than mine have.

"I love you."

"I love you."

"I love you."

"I love you." he chants like the words are some holy song that he can't stop singing.

"I love you." his tears don't stop. They keep wetting my flesh and his sadness pierces the air the more he recites his words, the more time passes that I don't respond.

"I love you." can you say it till your voice is gone?

"I love you." Can you say it till your throat bleeds?

He sobs now, heaving chest as he buries his face in my neck.

"I love you." yes... Cry. Cry for me Beta Mine.

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A/N

So... I'm... I don't even know what to say. This is one of my most emotional chappies. I'm... let me have it. I'm ready.

I have not done shout outs in a while so here goes.