Knowing - jikook au

Cold.

Cold. Jungkook couldn't stop picturing Jimin's cold, dead body, being placed in a coffin and lowered into the ground.

It was 2:13am. Jungkook was still awake. He couldn't even think of closing his eyes. Not when he knew Jimin would never open his again. He couldn't even think of going to sleep. Not when he knew that Jimin would never wake up again. He couldn't even think of letting the darkness consume him. Not when he knew that Jimin could never see the light again.
He would stay alive for the both of them. But he refused to live for himself.
The one thing that had been spurring Jungkook on was the possibility of, somehow, seeing Jimin again. He'd always had this stupid thought in the back of his head that if he continued dancing, he'd get famous and maybe see Jimin's familiar face in the crowd one night. He'd always had this stupid thought that he would stop dancing and focus completely on Jimin, the rest of the world fading away as their eyes met. He'd always had this stupid thought that the crowd would part as he walked towards Jimin, and he'd take his chin in his hand, and they'd finally kiss after all those long, cold days of loneliness.
The thoughts danced around and around and around in his head each day, each night, every week, every month, for those two long years. And now, suddenly, they were all gone. The fantasies and daydreams which had become so familiar, which had been on a constant loop, were all shattered by the memory of Doctor Kim's words.
Park Jimin tested positive for cancer.
It was terminal... he was dying.
Dying. Death. Dead. Park Jimin was Dead.
Park Jimin, the only person he'd ever loved, was dead. His first love. His last love. His lost love.
Dead.
That word ricocheted around Jungkook's mind like a bullet. Oh, how he'd rather it was a bullet which had been lodged into his brain. Maybe then he wouldn't be suffering as much. Maybe then he wouldn't feel so cold. Maybe then he would be with Jimin, in the great thereafter.

"Jungkook," Taehyung whispered through the darkness, shivering in the cold of the apartment and wishing he knew how to get the younger man to move from his spot on the floor. He had managed to wrap a blanket around his shoulders the day before when he had finished sobbing and sunk to the floor, but Jungkook had refused to move, eat or go to sleep through the rest of the day. He didn't tell Taehyung this - he protested by not moving, or saying anything, by being completely stoic and not showing any signs that he'd even heard Taehyung speak. "I think it's time to go to sleep... Jungkook?"

"No," Jungkook whimpered in reply, shocking Taehyung because he hadn't expected to hear it. He winced at how hoarse and raw Jungkook's voice was; the amount of times he had screamed Park Jimin's name had obviously taken a toll on his vocal chords.

"Please, I know you're in pain, but Jimin wouldn't want you to sit on the ground and-"

"You don't know what he'd want!" Jungkook snapped, turning to face Taehyung, anger taking over his empty expression. "You didn't know him, Taehyung! You just followed us around everywhere like some sort of stalker and took pictures! But pictures can't tell you shit, Taehyung. Did those pictures tell you what was going on? Did those pictures tell you that Jimin was fucking dying? No, they didn't. You knew nothing about Jimin, and you can stop pretending to know shit about me. Just piss off!"
Jungkook had expected anger. He almost wanted anger. He didn't want to be the victim anymore, not when Jimin was the one who had to face death alone. He wanted somebody to be angry at him, because Jimin couldn't, and Jimin should have been. Jimin should have been angry at Jungkook for not trying harder to find him when he first left. Jimin should have been angry at Jungkook for not working out that there was more wrong than he was letting on. Jimin should have been angry at Jungkook for letting him slip away. Now he was dead, all of the anger that should have been weighing Jungkook down was absent, and Jungkook craved desperately to feel as heavy as lead. He wanted Taehyung to weigh him down with all the anger which should have been placed upon him by Park Jimin.
Instead, Taehyung reached across to Jungkook and pulled him into a hug.
Jungkook broke down into sobs once more.
"He's gone, Taehyung! I'm never going to see him again! Never!"